Cavemen For Modern Women

If he seems to be losing interest, it's probably just you.

2012-02-13T10:26:00.001-08:00

After I wrote it, I realized that it's a little harsh. It seems a little tough love is what people need sometimes. We get stuck in a box, and can't seem to get perspective. It's the old "you can't see the forest for the trees" conundrum.

It's like a ship on the sea. You set out on a new relationship voyage, from the old familiar home port, headed with certainty into the sunset. You know where you are starting from, and where you see yourself going. The problem is the fog. Every relationship voyage is bound to be stricken with a fog bank or two. The challenge is to keep your barrings and stay on course. Like sea traveling, if you don't stop and assess your direction of travel you will find yourself just a shade off course. No big deal, right? Except for the fact that a small change of direction sets you more and more off course as you sail along. Soon you are in the Arctic instead of the Caribbean, and you can't figure out where all the damn penguins came from.

I recently had a conversation with a friend about her relationship that was "falling apart." She had been seeing a man that she worked with. She had found herself really starting to have feelings for him and starting to imagine a future with him. They had been spending a lot of time together and she felt the relationship was progressing nicely. A two weeks before her and I spoke, she had changed jobs and was no longer working with him. About the same time, he stopped calling her. She couldn't figure out why. She was beside herself.

After a short conversation she started to realize a few things. For one, he never really called her that much. They spoke often, but it was because they worked together. She also realized that the most of the time they did anything together was when everyone from work went out. It was often, so it seemed they were spending a lot of time together. She knew they had spent alone time together, but after some careful thought, she realized it was always at her request. Either that, or when he would call and sweet talk her into coming over for some romantic time. Yeah, I mean a booty call. She hadn't see it that way before.

She had started hanging out with him because she saw some potential. One small compromise led to another. Soon she found herself in a relationship totally unacceptable by her own standards, and she couldn't see it. Not only could she not see it, she was upset that it seemed to be over.

Men will stay in a relationship that is convenient and offers some redeeming value even when they know that it isn't really what they want. If a man can get a woman to offer up sex with no "strings" and no effort, he will take it. He will do this even if he has absolutely no further interest in the woman he is getting it from.

As women, you have to watch out for yourself in this arena. You have to take the time to stop and evaluate where you are and the direction you are heading. How do you do this?
1. Listen to your close friends.
Your CLOSE friends. The ones that truly care about your well being, and will be honest with you even when you don't like it. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I tried to tell her" stories. Your friends are on the outside looking in. They have a less bias view then you do.
2. Make a list of what you really want in your ideal relationship then compare it to your current relationship
Don't think about the one you are in now. Think about your ideal relationship. How would he talk to you, treat you, and make you feel? Take a little time to do this and WRITE IT DOWN. Take this seriously and actually do it. Be honest with yourself. If you wrote "really listens to me, and respects what I think," ask yourself if he REALLY listens and respects you. Take a few minutes and reflect on how he makes you feel when you talk to him. Close your eyes, and imagine a few conversations.
3. Make a Ben Franklin list
It's a tried and true way to subjectively assess something. Take a couple of days to do this. Draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper. On one side, write the things that are positive in your relationship. One the other, write the things that fall short. You may be really surprised by what you find.
4. Write me.
Let me hear your story. I will always tell you how it really is. (Seebelow)

Respect yourself. You are valuable. Don't settle for less then what you are worth. You wouldn't sell your car for a buck. So, why would you cheap sell yourself? Some expectations shouldn't be compromised on. Regularly assess where you are and where you are headed. Stay on track. If the man you are with is making it impossible to stay on track, he's not the right man. If you stay with him and let him drag you off course from where you really want to be, then you have NO ONE to blame but yourself. (That's where the "it's probably just you" comes in.)
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I'm in a Relationship With a Man in Another Relationship: Letter from a Confused Woman

2012-02-12T12:47:00.000-08:00

C. Christian,

I’m in love with someone, and I know his already taken his not yet married but their live in ,that guy told me that he loves me more than his gf but still our relationship is not legalour relationship runs for 3 months.... 3 months of hiding, now I decided to stay away from him coz I know there’s nothing gonna happened to our relationship. He cant live his gf. If he really loves me his going to do anything to keep our relationship better, it really hurts me everytime I see him I just don’t know what to do, I feel so much tense.CAN YOU HELP ME ?WAT SHOULD I DO?

-Confussed

Dear "Confussed",

This one is easier then it seems. You know what the right answer is. Walk away. He doesn’t care about you in the way he says he does, or in the way you would like him to. If he did he would make the moves to be with you. The fact that he isn't doing that gives you your answer. Actions always speak louder then words. No matter what he says to you!Stop wasting your valuable time. You’re taking the chance that you'll be so focused on this bad relationship that you won't see the good man when he comes along.Raise your value. You set your own worth. Ask more for the commodity of you and only the worthy will be able to afford you.

C. Christian

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Getting Bored or Gettin Comfortable?

2012-02-11T17:12:00.000-08:00

There are a few traps that all new relationships must avoid. Any one of them could potentially bring about the end of the relationship. One that is a tough mental challenge is the transition from the “best behavior” stage to the “getting comfortable” stage.

The “best behavior” stage is the beginning of a new relationship. It starts from the first meeting, and can last as little as a few weeks to more then a year. It usually depends on the amount of time the new couple is spending together. Of course, it also varies based on the individuals. This stage is characterized by the wide eyes, compliments, intense focus of attention on each other will together, gifts, surprises, lack of arguing, and general peace and harmony. The two are still acting in a formal manor during this stage. They watch what they say a little more, are more likely to brush aside small things that may bother them normally, pay extra close attention when the other is speaking, are careful to be mindful of their appearance at all times, and suppress any unfavorable habits.

The “getting comfortable” stage is when the two slowly transition to acting the way they do around their closest friends and when they are alone. It usually comes as the two spend more and more time together. They start to share every day tasks like shopping, cleaning, etc. They start to include each other in the things that they were previously doing separately. The two start to get more lax in watching their behavior. They start to “be themselves.”

Moving from one stage to the other can be difficult sometimes. It’s inevitable that one or both feel that the other person is slacking, losing interest, or that something is wrong. Women seem to feel this way more then men, because they are more sensitive to frequency and quality of direct interaction. This is where one of the primary differences between men and women shows itself. Men feel close by doing things together. Watching TV together is quality time. Women feel close by conversation and direct interaction.

As a woman, you need to understand that often this is not a problem or a sign of something bad happening. If a relationship is going to last, both you and him need to realize that it isn’t realistic to be on your best behavior all the time. When you are spending 5-10 hours a week together, even a 5 year old can behave that much. When you are spending 25+ hours a week together some personal time will become together time.

Do the best you can to keep things in perspective. Of course, there is a limit to this. If you feel you’ve done everything you can to try to be open minded and patient, and he still seems disinterested, write me.

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It’s Respect and then Sex NOT Sex and then Respect

2012-02-07T11:53:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of men out there that are going to be pissed off as a result of some actions taken by some of you that will read this. I could lose my guy card for this ladies, so please listen up and make it worth it.

There is a certain order to things. In this case it's respect and then sex. It doesn't often work out the other way around. If you are going to try to sleep with the men that you date, and then try to get them to treat you with respect, you are going to be very frustrated.

Men tend to be simple minded when it comes to relationships. When the relationship starts the first thing a man wants to do it get you in bed. We want to sleep with our coworkers, our female friends, and every attractive woman we pass on the street. You are no exception. It's because men are very sexual. Our egos drive us to sexual conquest. We see you as a sexual object, a vessel of pleasure and satisfaction of the ego.

However, men can be and want much more. Men are capable of being nurturing, supportive, emotionally available, sensitive, etc, etc, etc. You just have to get yourself past the point of sexual object in our minds. Once a man starts to see you as more then sex, then he will start to get to know you as an intelligent person, and not just as a pair of tits. If you can get to this point, then you can get the respect. Sex is much better when you're confident that you're much more to him.

If you sleep with a man right away, then you take a real chance of forever banishing yourself to the realm of booty call in his mind. If you sleep with a man before he has really earned it, what motivation does he have to get to know more about you? Why would he even try to? He is getting what he wants. It's the old adage of "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" I don't care what he tells you, you will have forever affected the way he sees you.

I remember a girl that I dated that slept with me right away. She was a very nice girl and I really liked her. In retrospect, I could probably have had a great relationship with her. It could have been so much more. The problem was that I never gave the relationship the chance. I was getting what I wanted when I wanted it. I never respected her, and never saw her as more than a sexual partner. It's the nature of men.

So, what's the right way to use this amazing weapon??

Use that sex appeal to get a man interested. Be sexy. Be sexual. Just don't be sex. Not right away anyway. He will be drawn to you for your sexuality. He will stay because of that sexuality (at first.) Use that to your advantage. Talk to him. Get him to talk to you. Do things together. Date! Let him get to know you as a person. Let him find other things that he likes about you, OTHER reasons to stay (besides sex.) You will be amazed at how long a man will stick around without getting sex. If you can get a man to stick around and want to be with you when you aren't sleeping with him, then you have something!!! Then, knock his socks off in bed. He will be yours, hooked!

This will also weed out the junk; the men that will call you a tease or try to push your limitations. Don't give into these guys. These are the ones that only want one thing. Guess. If you really like a man and don't sleep with him, then he calls you a tease and leaves, avoid the temptation to be heartbroken. He may have been great to look at and a lot of fun, but if he leaves now (before you sleep with him) he would have left anyway. He'd probably do it after your feelings were involved. The men that are going to stick around and get to know you are the ones you are going to want to get to know.

Here I go again. Raise your personal value. You are a rare commodity. If you are giving that commodity away, then it has no value. Make it hard to acquire and only the best will be able to get some.

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Autophobia: The Fear of Being Alone

2012-02-07T11:37:00.000-08:00

It seems that I continually run into women that seem to have been stricken with a condition that causes them to be completely unable to be single. First of all, I get it. I really do. It’s nice to have someone. People are simply built for companionship. We aren’t lone wolves. This isn’t a bad thing!!

Autophobia becomes a problem when it starts to affect your judgment and the way you act when dealing with the opposite sex. I have and will continue to say to women “be alone!” It’s one of the most empowering and liberating things that you can do as a woman. If you can learn to be comfortable and confident as a single woman, then you’re going to have MUCH more success and a MUCH easier time with men.
When you aren’t certain of who you are and what you like, then you won’t be able to decide what you expect and/or require from the opposite sex. This is a real slippery slope. I have a friend that is a text book case of autophobia. She is a real city girl. Very much into high heals and Cosmos, a real Sex in The City type. She met a man from the country. He is a real hunter/fisher type. Sparks flew and they got into a relationship that lasted for about 4 years. During the four years, as is inevitable in a long relationship, she experienced new things with him. This was especially true for these two because of their differing backgrounds. They did as people do, and naturally adapted themselves somewhat to the relationship that they were in. They introduced each other to new things, and they did those things together. Some of those may have been things she wouldn’t have done on her own. Not a problem. Then, the relationship ended. Being a classic sufferer of autophobia, she jumped into a fresh relationship before the other one was cold.
This is where we see the problem with never really being alone manifested itself. Now she’s the girl that likes Jimmy Choos, but now owns hiking boots and a fishing pole. She bought them so she and the last guy could do the outdoors thing. She liked it, because they could spend time together, even though it was definitely not her thing before him. The new man in her life is a sports nut, but not really into the outdoors. She thinks she can get into football in order to share some time with her new Beau, but she’s not certain. After all, she seems to remember not liking it before. On top of that, it always seemed so brutish.
So, which is it? Who are you?? Do you really like hiking, or was the enjoyment you got from that caused by spending time with the man you loved? Was the well dressed city girl really you, or was that just your thing at the time? After all, you really didn’t mind the boots. They were warmer and A LOT less expensive. You didn’t even have to worry about breaking a heal! It’s all very hard to see from the inside of a new relationship.

Time alone is so important to a woman’s sense of identity. Of course it is for men too, but it’s doubly important for the ladies to make an effort to take the time to assess where you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going. Women tend to be more compromising and naturally nurturing of their partner’s needs. This makes them more susceptible of adapting who they are, and trying new things for their partners.
Every relationship adds to our experience and changes us in small ways. This is part of maturing and is important to finding our ultimate identity. However, we go too far with this in the heat of the moment. In the midst of the relationship, we can’t see the forest for the trees sometimes. Taking the time to be alone and process these experiences helps us realize what we have learned. You have to ask yourself “Who am I?” Was I really going over board with the $500 shoes, or is that something that really makes me happy? Do I really like hiking, or was it something I tolerated to spend time with him doing something he likes? Maybe I’m somewhere in between? Maybe I need to find a GQ guy with a nice RV that likes to do luxury camping a few times a year?
I’ve put this in terms of superficial things like clothes and hobbies, but it applies across the board. It applies just as much to the way we talk to each other, the romance level we expect, the way we handle conflicts, SEX, and every other nuance of our relationships.

You cannot truly know what kind of a partner you want and need until you truly know who you are, what you need, and what you truly expect. It’s all about your happiness. I don’t believe in a single soul mate. I think there are many people out there that could make you truly happy. The odds of you finding that person are pretty good, IF you know how to recognize them when they come along. It also helps to be good at telling the ones that are definitely NOT right. It’s definitely important that you aren’t tied up with the wrong one when one of the right ones comes along! Learn to measure yourself up and see yourself clearly, and you will have an accurate gauge by with to measure those around you.

Rule of thumb: One month for every year of relationship. Everyone is different, so consider this a minimum. Try it and see how much more clearly you see things.

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Assinging Appropriate Values to the Stresses in Your Life

2010-07-01T10:46:00.001-07:00

I've decided to come back after a long time away thanks to a fantastic letter from a new reader.

Usually, I talk on topics that are specific to relationships. I'm inspired by recent events to talk more generally about the stresses and troubles that life brings. (Relationship challenges certainly apply.)

It's inevitable in everyone life that issues capable of causing stress and anxiety will arise from time to time. Most of the richness and satisfaction in life comes from how we handle these tribulations. You have an ability that seems almost super hero sounding. Your mind controls your world. Seems unfathomable, but it's true. Many people allow their situations to control their thoughts and attitudes. This is your world controlling your mind. Myself, and many people like me, have learned to use our minds to control our worlds. The world around you and your experiences in it are all filtered into perceptions by your mind. You have control over how your mind feeds you this information and how it shows you the world.

There are many real examples of this ability, or lack of it, around you. Look at the people that have everything in their lives, but seem miserable. There are countless examples of wealthy people with seeming amazing lives that become depressed and fall into pits of despair. By contrast I've met people that seem to have nothing and no reason to be positive, yet somehow they are. It's because they have made the decision to focus on the positive things in life and to not dwell on their troubles.

I know of a radio personality that likes to use the phrase "How important is it in the light of eternity?" He uses the phrase to cause his listeners to stop and consider if they might be assigning to much importance and weight to the problem they are facing.

Here's a specific. Let's say that you get a speeding ticket for going a shade to fast. (I've had a few of these.) The fine comes in the mail and it's $350! Let's assume you don't have much money now and it's going to be a strain to pay that $350. So, you can face this one of two ways. You can let your situation control you and worry about where that money is going to come from. You can lose sleep and have significant anxiety over how you will make this work, if at all.
The alternative is for you to control the situation. Decide that you aren't going to worry about the money. You can set your mind to dealing with the issue without loss of sleep. Yes, it's going to be tough, but you know that you will find a way to make it work. You'll make a few provisions to squeeze the money, maybe work with the court, and a year from now your finances will be no worse off than if the ticket never existed. In fact, in a year, you might not be able to recall what you had to sacrifice to produce that $350. After all, in the light of eternity what's $350??
For many people, this is a hard reality to process. They say "maybe that's easy for you, but I'm not built that way." Well, why aren't you? Would you like to change that? Then, make the effort and make the chance. Here's the FACT that you need to dwell on in your efforts to make the change to controlling your world. Go back to the two ways of dealing with the speeding ticket. In which example is the amount of the fine the highest? In which example will the court be more lenient? It's the same, isn't it? The worry doesn't make the amount of the fine go down, does it? How about which example will require the most personal sacrifice to pay the fine? THICK QUESTION! The first example with the negative perceptions will require the most sacrifice. Not only will it require the same financial sacrifices as the positive perception example, but will require the additional sacrifice of the stress and anxiety that comes with it.

Nothing is as bad as you can make it in your own mind. Everything will work it's self out with or without your anxiety and stress. The stress you cause yourself is more and more being medically proven to be far worse for your life then the trials themselves. A light hearted musician once sang "Don't Worry, Be Happy." It seems a silly and absurd song, but he was definitely onto a very real truth. So stop worrying and be happy. Next thing you know, you'll be a super human that controls everything around them with a simple thought.

C. Christian

Repost: Your Personal Value and Attract Wealthier Relationships

2009-05-26T18:05:00.000-07:00

Raise your value!! You are the one that sets your price. Set the price low and any idiot off the street can come in and "acquire you" for a half assed relationship. Do this and you will be putting up with a lot of amateurish behaviors and immature relationship issues. These things only lead to the further devaluing of the you commodity. It's a downward spiral.
Fix it or avoid it by raising your price. Decide that you are worth more. Decide that you aren't going to put up with crap from other people. Decide you aren't going to settle. You deserve to be treated well, exceptionally well! Believe it and expect it and your stock will rise. People will treat you and see you the way you let them. When you do this, and your stock rises, then only the higher class and higher quality relationships will come your way.

This isn't easy, but it's oh so worth it. Stick to your guns, don't compromise, and you will find happiness and fulfillment.
You set the price of you. Don't cheap sell yourself. Hold out and get what you are truly worth.

A Tough but Valuable Lesson About Real Love

2009-05-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

I learned a valuable lesson yesterday. I wanted to share it with you.

We all have unique perspectives on life. We are each the sum of all the experiences that we’ve had. There is no one that has ever lived, that is living now, or will ever live that will have the point of view that you have now. It makes each of us unique.

This fact becomes a great challenge when two people with their unique perspectives try to form a bond and become a couple. The more time that you spend with someone the more the two of you will realize that you are going to see things differently and disagree. It can be frustrating and challenging to try to open your eyes and see a new perspective, because it often means admitting that parts of our perspective were wrong or can be improved upon. Admitting that you are wrong is difficult for most everyone. The reward to this challenge is one of the meanings of life.

To make a deep connection with another person is divine. We are meant to share our perspectives with one another so that we can be better than individuals. Mankind is better than men. The perspectives of others, once you open your mind to the possibilities, can offer you the experience of more than one life time.

This is the true reward of a strong and loving relationship. When you have been able to come together with another person and love them enough to combine your two experiences, broaden your understanding, and truly understand another person then you have found one of the meanings of life. Truly rewarding, strong, and lasting relationships are not easy to find, but then nothing worth anything is easy to find. To intimately share the perspective and experiences of another person gives you a deeper understanding and appreciation that is hard to impossible to find from a single point of view.

Try to remember that your significant other is not you. You two have a totally different point of view and often they are not going to match. You should be ready for the disagreements that this fact brings and welcome it with open arms. Learning to listen, share, and compromise is a HUGE part of having a truly valuable lasting relationship. Be patient with each other and keep an open mind. Be willing to admit that you might be wrong. Before you let yourself be mad at the blindness or shortsightedness of your partner, try hard to put yourself in their shoes and see how they feel about things. Every time that you can work through a difference of perspective, you make huge leaps in strengthening the bound and deepening the connecting between the two of you. Trial and triumph together is what will make your relationship last. Learn to be patient when it is the most difficult. Work hard to set aside your personal emotional reactions just long enough to try to understand the issue from the other person’s view.

It’s not easy, but it’s necessary if you are going to form a lasting relationship. It’s also a very rewarding thing to accomplish.

Learning To Trust After You Have Been Betrayed

2009-04-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

You trusted him and it bit you in the ass. It was the last person that you thought would ever hurt you, and now you feel like something inside of you is broken. You feel like everyone is a cheater now. How did this happen? It’s not like you? How do you learn to trust again?

Being lied to and cheated on is a terrible feeling. It’s a feeling of being violated and taken advantage of. That’s never a good feeling. It’s a traumatic thing to happen when it’s a stranger taking advantage of you. It’s so much more damaging when it’s someone that you have feelings for. The inevitable thoughts that run and rerun in your head about when, where, and how cause you to feel like you should have seen the signs. That makes you feel foolish. Feeling foolish makes you angry and determined to not let it happen again. Usually, you figure that you will be more mindful and look harder for the signs. That can very easily lead you to being overly suspicious, distrusting, and even confrontational. If you’ve been cheated on, the feelings and actions that spawn from that experience have likely sabotaged a relationship with someone else. At the very least, it may have stopped one before it could get started. It’s a trap that can cost you more heartache then the initial infidelity! Heaven forbid that you get cheated on more than once!

Moving on from a cheater is hard and takes personal strength. The first step is always to take the time to work through the hurt of being betrayed. Too often, women don’t take the time that they need to deal with the emotional trauma. They jump into a new relationship while the wounds are still fresh. That’s a terrible idea, and you are only asking for trouble. Not to mention the wasted time!! Take time to let yourself hurt. There is a period of anger that comes after being cheated on. At the very least, you need to be able to forgive the person that cheated on you, and release the anger before you think about a new relationship. This may take some time. Everyone deals with anger and pain differently. This is one of those times when you need to know, or get to know, yourself. I can’t say this enough. Work on you and who you are, and everything else will be easier to deal with.

Remind yourself that the actions of others are almost always out of your control. Relationships can bring amazing rewards, but great rewards often require great risk. Giving your heart and soul to someone that you have little to no control over is the ultimate risk. It isn’t your fault when someone cheats on you. (This isn’t to say that you can’t find things that you could have done better and grow from them! The end of any relationship should be a time for personal growth.) Ultimately, that person decided to step outside of the relationship commitment that was made to you. Everyone has faults, and dealing with and working on each other’s faults is part of a relationship. Trials are never a reason for infidelity. If they were unable or unwilling to stay committed due to trial, then they should have had the respect and care to leave. There is no excuse for infidelity. It’s the act of someone to cowardly to face the truth and be honest about their thoughts and feelings. THAT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Once you find someone and start a new relationship, you should know that it’s likely that you are going to have those feelings of distrust. There will be things that will remind you of how you felt. They may be situations or simply poorly chosen words. Remember that this new person is not the old one. Fight against those feelings. Don’t react emotionally when they come up. Stop yourself and think about whether your feelings are really justified, or if you are reacting based on the past. Communication is very important. You should be open and honest with your new partner about how you feel and your concerns. Someone that cares for you and is going to protect your feeling and your relationship is going to be open and honest with you. Don’t be accusing, but rather express concerns. Talk about how you feel not what they did or didn’t do. Accusations will never get you as far with a man as a plea for help. Men love to fix things and be the hero. A man that cares for you will want to be the man that saved you from the hurt. It’s in our nature. Accuse a man, and he will feel the need to defend himself. That puts you and him on opposite sides facing each other rather than on the same side with him standing in front against a common enemy. Protecting you makes a man feel strong and important. We all need this and he will correlate the feelings of importance and power to you. THAT’S GOOD!

Remember, you will never find the reward of a truly great relationship until you are ready and willing to risk it all again. I have experienced great personal hurt from infidelity. I still believe that it’s worth being hurt 100 times if it means that you find that one real love. It’s the big reward. If I told you that you will win 100 million in the lottery, but only if you play and lose every week for 10 year, would you? Of course you would! The gain is worth so much more than the loss. Relationships are the same. You have to be ready to lose again and again if you are going to win big.

Can You Meet a Good Man in a Bar? How?

2009-02-03T15:02:00.000-08:00

The answer is NO, you can’t. Well, maybe.

Here’s the problem with that whole thing. You have to understand the mindset of a man when he is out at the bar. The atmosphere in a bar is going to magnify all of the caveman like behaviors of a man. Women are dressed and dancing in ways that insight sexual response. On top of that, you have the alcohol. We all know how alcohol tends to make men and women less inhibited. For men this means that the more civilized gentleman is going to be drowned out by the sexual and basic caveman inside. Men feel like they are on the hunt when they are out at the bar. If you watch, you can easily see this. Men will butt heads with their friends, try to out drink each other, start fights with strangers, and try to make sexual advances on as many women as they can on any given night. It’s not that they are always this way; it’s an effect of the environment.

I definitely feel that the bar is the worst place to meet men. However, it can work. There are a certain number of men that go out to the bar once in a while, rather than being completely “into” the scene. Many of these men are there for the same reason you are. They are blowing off a little steam, hanging out with friends, or just getting out of the house. So, how do you figure out which is which and rope a good one? Here are a few tips:

1. If he is obviously drunk, pass. He may be charming or cute, but if he is obviously intoxicated he isn’t himself. You can’t get a good read on what he might really be like. Talk to the ones that are in control.

2. Don’t let yourself get to drunk. If you think there is even a slight chance that you will be open to meeting someone, keep it under control. Your judgment is crap when you’re drunk and you know it. You are a whole loss less likely to waste the night hanging out with a douche bag and regretting it in the morning if you are clear headed.

3. Confidence is good, but not aggression. Guys that are out to get laid are going to be more aggressive. When men set out to “pick up chicks” the clock starts ticking and we know it. We will watch the clock closely knowing that we only have a short window to “make it happen.” Be aware of a man that is trying to push the conversation quickly to sexual topics even jokingly, or that is trying to escalate how often and where he is touching you. A smart guy knows that there is a psychology to sexual arousal and that it includes moving your mind subtly to sexual thoughts and slowing making you comfortable with his touch. This includes touching hands, back, arms, etc. Players have this down, watch for it.

4. If he seems interested, but doesn’t make a move, YOU DO IT. This is the 21st century ladies; you can go and talk to him. If you don’t want to meet great men, then stick to the old “if he wants to talk to me, he can come over here.” That is an antiquated mentality. I can tell you from experience. I NEVER hit on girls in bars. It’s not because I can’t, or that I never wanted to meet any of them. I have always hated the stereotypes of the environment that were automatically placed on me. I was, however, always very impressed and interested in any woman that took the opportunity to talk to me. It’s flattering, and definitely puts you in the right place in my mind. If a man is smiling at you or obviously noticing you, but doesn’t make a move, it may mean that he didn’t intend to hit on anyone. That’s good. If you notice him, noticing you, talk a walk over. Just say “hi”, he will take it from there. Trust me!

5. No matter how the night goes, leave him wanting more. This means DON’T GO HOME WITH HIM!! If you are in the mindset that you want to meet someone for more than that night, don’t even make out with him. You have to stop doing these things ladies. Remember my blogs on respect before sex and the power of sex? You don’t want to over sexualize yourself. If you give good conversation, flirt, and leave him wanting more; it’s going to start his mind heading in the right direction. We are men; there is never a problem with you being sexually arousing to us. Work on everything else.

6. Withhold judgment. I know how many of you are hopeful romantics. You really want him to be great. You want him to be all the positive things that he seemed to be. Even if you find what seems to be a good one and things go well, YOU WERE IN A BAR. Set up a real date. Someplace where you can talk one on one, without yelling. You might want to get him in a well lit room also. Dim bar lighting can play tricks on the eyes. Be sure your prince charming isn’t a frog. You need to get him out of the bar environment and completely out of the bar mindset so that you can tell what you are really dealing with. Then, you can start to form an opinion about what you really have in front of you. This is about your mindset and his.

I understand that often we are dealing with a small dating pool. The bar scene isn’t a great place to meet good men, but it is a necessary evil for many of you. Be smart and aware of your surroundings and you will have a much better chance of something good coming from it. Remember, you are a modern woman surrounded by cavemen. It only takes a little work to outsmart them. You just have to understand how the mind of a caveman works. Then, it’s a piece of cake.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby..

2009-01-28T15:20:00.000-08:00

“…let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be…”
The one thing that I don’t think women fully understand is the true weight and power of sex. All of you are far too quick to give the one thing that gives you control in your relationships. I’ve talked about it before.
Here’s the thing. To men sex means little to nothing emotionally, initially at least. This is due to men being much less evolved in the relationship parts of our brains. We don’t naturally excel at monogamy. The mind of a man is build for shallow meaningless sex. This is why it seems that men are able to carry on “booty call” type relationships indefinitely. Women tend to find that these sorts of relationships become unfulfilling very quickly. Men often don’t need to even like you to have sex with you. I have known many women that were inclined to not have sex with a man that they found attractive because of very small incompatibilities.
The primary goal to a man when he starts a relationship is to sleep with you. He will focus primarily on this until it happens. I have a friend that carried on a “friendship” with a woman for over 3 years ONLY for the slight chance that it might turn sexual. Yeah, it’s that strong of a motivator!
So, what does that mean to you?
It means that you need to stop sleeping with men before they have had the chance to know you for more than that. Men have the ability to love and be emotional. We are fully capable of being committed to you and being very happy with monogamy. It has to be cultivated and developed through respect for you and by building you up to be more than a purely sexual object. You have to break through the shallow sexual drive into the deeper emotions that causes admiration and loyalty to grow. If you give up sex before that starts to develop then the primal part of the man’s brain is getting feed and stays dominant. There is no motivation to move past the sexual into the substantial. It’s easier to not be emotionally involved.
It’s tempting to have sex with a man too soon. You start to see a future; you give him the benefit of the doubt, believe that he is different, and hope for the best. STOP IT! Men are not like you. All men are the same initially. We are all build the same way. You have to give us a chance to be different. If you really want that, then you need to enable us to make that happen. Don’t feed the sexual caveman what he wants or he will hold down and over shadow the gentleman underneath.
Every man is different, so there is no real rule of thumb. Take the amount of time you think it should be and double it. Then, double it again. Then, double it again. Try to wait that long. Set a lofty goal. You will fall short, but you will have a much better chance that enough time has still passed to work in your favor. Don’t be so fast to give up your best tool in letting the man you’re with be the man you want to be with.

Letting Go Of Lost Love

2009-01-27T18:17:00.001-08:00

I had a short conversation with a friend today about a man that she felt was her “soul mate.” She felt as if they were meant to be together. She said that she had never felt such a connection with a man. He had treated her so well and she truly loved him. Then…she mentioned that she had broken up with him some 7 years ago. He proceeded to tell her shortly after that he wasn’t interested in ever talking to her again due to something she had done to betray his trust. She had spend the last 7 years thinking of him often and even attempting to contact him, only to be shut down.
Don’t be like my friend. No one is worth this kind of self deprecation. Love blinds us. Sometimes it is a lingering blindness. If you find yourself at the end of a relationship, rub your eyes and try to see what is going on around you. If the relationship ended, especially abruptly, take the time to see that it’s really over. You need to be able to move on from lost loves. My friend has wasted untold effort on this relationship that is never going to happen. For my friend, it has made her unable to have a love relationship since then. She has bounced in and out of short relationships always self sabotaging them by making a comparison to this idealistic love that was over. I’m a bit of a romantic, but romance is not one sided. To love someone that doesn’t love you back is a terrible thing. Have the confidence to move on. It’s not an easy thing to do, but you deserve it and owe it to yourself.
You need to know that no man is perfect. No man is worth the torture that women often put themselves through at the end of a relationship. Don’t spend the time on them. If the relationship didn’t work out, then it OBVIOUSLY wasn’t the right relationship. True love doesn’t end in break up. It’s hard to let go of those feelings, especially If you felt that it was going to last. You may have done everything that you could to make it work and be the best woman you could. Even if you are perfect, the relationship still may end. Relationships are about the symbiosis of two people in balance. You only have 50% control on what happens in a relationship. If you give your half, and it fails, then he didn’t give his half. That means he either didn’t care about you enough to give his half, wasn’t ready or equipped to give his half, or wasn’t the other half need to complete your whole. It has nothing to do with the quality or value of your half. In any of these cases, you deserve better and should get back to keeping your eyes open for something better.
When the relationship ends, take a little time to rub your eyes. Take a little time to mourn, as this is a normal part of clearing out and resetting your thought process. Then, remember that you are valuable. You are ready and willing to do what it takes to make a relationship work. He was the one that missed out. Now you need to find the man that is your complimenting other half. This isn’t always easy, so don’t lose faith. It will happen if you focus on making yourself the best that you can, and stay positive when things don’t work out. Keep your head up and your eyes forward.
Always the future, never the past.

How Long Should The Honeymoon Phase Last?

2009-01-24T15:53:00.001-08:00

New relationships almost always start off great. You get along with the other person, and very little seems to go wrong. You are excited about them and the two of you as a couple. Thoughts about what the future might bring are like fairytales and it seems like a dream. As time goes by, and this phase fades the reality of the challenges of building a lasting relationship set in. Often the transition from honeymoon phase into your first trial marks the end of the relationship. This is why 3 to 12 month relationships are so common. People stay together while it’s easy, and once faced with the small challenges of life with another person they just quit. How to get through that is another subject. I want to talk about how long the honeymoon phase should last.
I hear from people all the time that are in very new relationships and they are already having major issues. I have a friend that met a new girl and about 3 weeks later he was mad at her for a disagreement that they had about something very small. My challenged him to consider what that meant. If they were fighting now, when the relationship was new, then what did the next year bring? Relationships have a certain path of evolution that they all go through to some extent. The honeymoon is nearly perfect. There are little to no disagreements and certainly no fights. It’s all butterflies and rainbows. Then you go through the reality phase where you start acting like yourself. You stop putting your best foot forward all the time and your individual quirks and pet peeves come out. Your new boyfriend kept his shoes on out of formality before. Now, with the increased comfort level, he has started to take his shoes off and put his stinky socks on your nice clean coffee table. You hate that. To have a lasting relationship, you must work through this phase into the long term growth phase.
When the honeymoon phase is too short, the relationship is doomed to fail. If two people are so different that they start to irritate each other quickly after they meet, the odds of coming to a sustainable balance are slim. If you can’t get along when you are both on your best behavior, what’s going to happen when you let your hair down??? It’s tempting to stay in a relationship thinking that you haven’t given it a fair chance. You don’t have to be worried about what’s fair when it comes to love. The expression is “all is fair in love and war.” Do what is right for you to find the right relationship for you regardless of what’s fair. Likely, You are wasting valuable time with the wrong person and keeping yourself from the right one.
So what’s a reasonable time? (The longer the better obviously.) My personal feeling is about 9-12 months. Yes, a year is a reasonable expectation for things to be great nearly all the time. It’s a very small percentage of time if you are looking at it as a percentage of time in a lifelong love. If you are 3 months into a new relationship, and you are fighting with your man about time with his friends, paying attention to you, affection level, anything related to sex, communication, yours or his ex, kids, etc; I say cut your losses. (Disagreements that come up but are quickly and calmly discussed and resolved don’t count. I’m talking about yelling, ignoring each other, talking crap or cursing, crying, storming out, etc, etc, etc.) You deserve more than that and should accept nothing less.

Then read my “A Woman’s Worth Blog”

http://cavemenformodernwomen.blogspot.com/2008/12/whats-womans-worth.html

You Can’t Make a Hoe a Housewife

2009-01-23T19:13:00.000-08:00

I love this expression. I think I probably love it for a
slightly different meaning then it was originally intended, but it holds some
truth.

The point is that once you have cast yourself into a role,
it’s hard to change that role. I think the lesson that a lot of women can learn
is that once you cast yourself into a specific role in a man’s mind, odds are
you aren’t going to change that role. As in everything else, of course I feel
that you always have control of what role you step into. However, once you have
chosen that path, be prepared to stick to it.

I have a friend that recently came to me with a problem. At
one point she had been married but unhappy. During a “break” from her husband,
she met a man and slept with him. They continued to have a primarily sexual
relationship for some time, even after her and her husband were back together. A
couple of years later she was divorced and the “other man” was still around.
She had told him a few months prior to our conversation that she wasn’t
interested in being his booty call, that she needed a real relationship if she
was going to have sex with someone, and she stopped seeing him. A few days ago,
he called her and told her that he wanted to make a change. He said that he was
ready to be in a serious relationship and wanted her back. She was confused
because she had developed feelings for him during their affair (this is a whole
other blog that you will be seeing soon). She wanted to see the positive in him
and his potential future. If he was going to be something great and something
great for someone, she wanted it to be her.

I told her that she wasn’t going to be that person, if it
ever happened at all. (Words mean nothing without action. (Again, another blog
entirely.) She had already cast herself into the role she was going to play in
his mind. By being the woman that slept with him when she was married, she had
ruined the chance to be something legitimate to him. He had been treating her,
talking about her, and thinking about her in a certain way for 2 years. That
wasn’t going to just switch around. I told her it’s much more likely that he is
just trying to get back what he lost, not turn her into what she wanted to be.
If they did get together, and even if he treats her right, how could he trust
her? I told her, “Do you think that he isn’t ever going to worry about trusting
you knowing that you cheated on your ex with him? You’ve been cast as the
cheating wife booty call to this man.” That was her role to this specific man.
(And all of his friends no doubt.)

Pretty woman is a movie, not real life. That’s what makes it
a great movie. It’s fantastic and unrealistic. You only get one chance to cast
yourself in a role in your relationships. Be sure you are establishing yourself
in the part that you really want to play. If you let yourself be disrespected,
you have lost the right to demand respect. You chose what you will allow. This
goes back, AGAIN, to raising your value. Think about what you ultimately want
in the relationship and head in that direction. Start heading straight for the
place you ultimately want to be in the end. Starting off in any direction but
that will cause you to end up WAY off course, generally with no clue of which
way will take you back in the right direction. Don’t compromise. You’re an
Oscar winner. Don’t take toothpaste commercials. Hold out for the roles that
you deserve.

Keys to Long Term Compatibility

2009-01-22T13:16:00.000-08:00

So, let’s say that you meet someone worthwhile and a relationship blossoms. Of course it’s great in the beginning. The puppy love stage is always great. The challenge is to make it last long term. There are a few things that I consider crucial keys to long term compatibility.
I don’t believe that you need to have all of these things in line. That just isn’t realistic. However, having most of them is going to be paramount in a lasting bond. Of course you should always look at the big picture. Here are a few of the big ones;
1. Religion and/or value structure. It’s going to be incredibly difficult to be with someone permanently if you don’t have similar views on things like honesty, family values, faith, integrity, treatment of others (including each other), etc. This is a big one in the raising of children. These are beliefs that run deep and are emotionally rooted. A person’s values are often one thing that is not eligible for compromise. You may want to be sure you are on the same page before an issue arises.
2. Financial style. This is a big one. 57% of divorces site finances as a reason for divorce. Similar ideas on saving, spending, and investing goes a long way. If you are a spender and your mate is a saver, it can cause distress. Look at your income level, financial goals, and spending patterns.
3. Emotional maturity and optimism/pessimism. Primarily your ability to deal with emotional issues and your views on life’s twists and turns. This also affects fighting style. Emotional immaturity can cause petty behavior when dealing with issues. For an emotionally mature person, that can be frustrating. Also, a negative outlook and propensity to act or speak pessimistically can wear quickly on a positive person. This also includes the ability to be supportive, being able to look at one’s own faults, and being able to be open minded to issues when views may differ.
4. Intelligence. Although two people don’t need to have the same I.Q., intelligence level is something to consider. If you are an intelligent person, and your mate is a dullard, what are you going to discuss in those inevitable times when all you have is conversation with each other? If you like physics, it’s going to be a strain that your dim witted mate doesn’t have a clue what you are talking about.
5. Sex. Sexual compatibility is important. Bad sexual chemistry can contribute to infidelity. Fidelity is enough of a challenge in a long term relationship without the added strain of not getting what you need sexually from your mate. Have the talk. Be honest and open about what you like, want, and need from sex. If you are strictly missionary and your mate is a sexual freak, then your mate is going to become bored and unfulfilled. You might begin to be disgusted by the “unusual” needs of your mate.
6. Lifestyle/hobbies. I see this as the least of this list. It is most likely that this one is something you might be inclined to change. However, look at the big picture. If your mate likes golf and you don’t, that probably isn’t a problem. However, if your mate is very social and feeds off of group activities while you are solitary and introverted, you are going to have a hard time enjoying each one another’s hobbies and each other at the same time. An extravert will have a hard time understanding an introvert and may see them as a “drag” or boring.

Please visit my at myspace.com/cchristiandodd

A Lesson in Compromise

2009-01-21T08:05:00.000-08:00

I learned a valuable lesson yesterday. I wanted to share it with you.
We all have unique perspectives on life. We are each the sum of all the experiences that we’ve had. There is no one that has ever lived, that is living now, or will ever live that will have the point of view that you have now. It makes each of us unique.
This fact becomes a great challenge when two people with their unique perspectives try to form a bond and become a couple. The more time that you spend with someone the more the two of you will realize that you are going to see things differently and disagree. It can be frustrating and challenging to try to open your eyes and see a new perspective, because it often means admitting that parts of our perspective were wrong or can be improved upon. Admitting that you are wrong is difficult for most everyone. The reward to this challenge is one of the meanings of life.
To make a deep connection with another person is divine. We are meant to share our perspectives with one another so that we can be better than individuals. Mankind is better than men. The perspectives of others, once you open your mind to the possibilities, can offer you the experience of more than one life time.
This is the true reward of a strong and loving relationship. When you have been able to come together with another person and love them enough to combine your two experiences, broaden your understanding, and truly understand another person then you have found one of the meanings of life. Truly rewarding, strong, and lasting relationships are not easy to find, but then nothing worth anything is easy to find. To intimately share the perspective and experiences of another person gives you a deeper understanding and appreciation that is hard to impossible to find from a single point of view.
Try to remember that your significant other is not you. You two have a totally different point of view and often they are not going to match. You should be ready for the disagreements that this fact brings and welcome it with open arms. Learning to listen, share, and compromise is a HUGE part of having a truly valuable lasting relationship. Be patient with each other and keep an open mind. Be willing to admit that you might be wrong. Before you let yourself be mad at the blindness or shortsightedness of your partner, try hard to put yourself in their shoes and see how they feel about things. Every time that you can work through a difference of perspective, you make huge leaps in strengthening the bound and deepening the connecting between the two of you. Trial and triumph together is what will make your relationship last. Learn to be patient when it is the most difficult. Work hard to set aside your personal emotional reactions just long enough to try to understand the issue from the other person’s view.
It’s not easy, but it’s necessary if you are going to form a lasting relationship. It’s also a very rewarding thing to accomplish.

Visit me on Myspace.com/cchristiandodd

Video: Intro/Raise Your Value

2009-01-19T22:12:00.000-08:00

Sexy is Good, But Don’t Overdo it

2009-01-19T19:56:00.000-08:00

Something has been weighing on my mind lately. I have to thank J for pushing me to write on the topic though. When did it become a good idea to rely totally on sexualizing yourself to make you feel desirable or to attract men? I see more women that are choosing to lean on their looks and sex appeal because they think it will get them what they want. There is no doubt that you will be able to attract the attention of men by flaunting your sexuality. The problem, that I don’t think many of you realize, is that it is not the attention that you want.

I am a firm believer in a woman using her sexual power to get what she wants. There is a right and a wrong way to do this. The highly sexual nature of men offers an advantage to women. Woman can use sexual appeal to turn a man’s attention her way for the purpose of showing what she has to offer of substance. I will confess that every woman I have ever dated attracted me through pure sexual appeal of some sort or another. I can also tell you that I have never stayed with a woman for that same reason. The ones that aren’t able to offer anything beyond that sexual appeal tend to become less and less appealing with a little time. It is the items of substance that build a deeper appreciation and deeper sexual attraction to her. It is also a matter of respect. As a successful and intelligent man, I can tell you that the most physically attractive woman on the planet will become unappealing in a short time. There is a saying in the movie Perfect Stranger, “Show me a beautiful woman and I'll show you a man that's tired of f*%$# her.” This is especially likely to be true if the physical attraction is all there is.

The other consideration is what type of men you are going to attract when you dress too loose. If you wear clothes that you bought in an adult bookstore, you are going to attract the kind of man that is likely to see you as only a sexual object. When you get yourself into a relationship where your man sees you as only a sexual object, you can’t win. A man won’t respect a pair of tits. Love, honor, and respect are the platform on which a long term successful relationship in built. A man respects a woman that compliments him and makes him feel good about her and himself. If you leave nothing to the imagination, nothing as a subtle temptation, then why would a man want to find out more about you? I have dated girls that dressed “slutty.” When I did, I wasn’t the type of man you would want to date. The sexual appeal turns into embarrassment which turns into disgust. The primal sexual rush of a “slut” wears off fast like the buzz of a cigarette to a chain smoker. A man that wants to be with a woman like that is going to be easily distracted by every other sexy girl that comes around. Ultimately, the best that you can hope for is that the man has a little money to give you when he leaves you for the younger woman at the age of 45. At this point in my life, I won’t give a second look to the most attractive woman if she is dressed like a slut. ....

Dress sexy, but tastefully. A little cleavage is sexy and tasteful; everything but the nipple is not. A little leg, not a dress slit to your waste. The way you carry yourself can be sexier then the body itself. Intelligence, confidence, and a little pride is very sexy. ....

Sexy is subtle! ....

Why Heartbreak is a Good Thing

2009-01-16T21:55:00.000-08:00

The title of this blog is a little misleading. It’s not so much about how heartbreak is a good thing as it is about being able to take the pain and turn it into a good thing. Heartbreak sucks. No one is going to argue that! Very little in life is as hard on us as the loss of love. That being said; let’s look at the positive spin.
Our experience in life is a result of our perspective. A child cries over spilled milk because it is a traumatic event by comparison to the limited experiences in its life. As we get older, it’s so unusual to do such a thing that it’s a common expression of absurdity. The same also goes for your ability to recognize and appreciate good things. The more experience you have, the better equipped you are to understand what’s happening around you. There is an expression that says “Success happens when opportunity meets preparation.” I think this applies to relationships. Relationship success happens when the right person comes along and you are prepared to recognize him.
So, how does heartache and relationship failure play a positive role in that process? With every failed relationship your vision gets clearer. When you take the time to reflect on failures, you can see clearly the events that led up to the failure. If you take the time to learn from those failures you are not likely to make the same mistakes. It also helps you to see the characteristics in your partner or yourself that fed the failure. Understanding those characteristics help you to avoid them in future partners. It will also allow you to strengthen and mature yourself. If you look back and decide that sleeping with him too soon lead to a lack of respect, which lead to poor treatment and infidelity, then you will wait longer next time.
I know this sounds a little like I am telling you that you are responsible for failed relationships. You may say, “I didn’t do anything wrong! He just cheated.” That certainly can be true. Take the time to be sure. If it is true then you still need to focus on yourself. You can’t do anything to make him better. You can’t do anything to change what happened. You CAN be sure to learn something from every adversity to better yourself. You should take time to consider if there is something you could do better to lessen the likelihood of meeting another cheater. Where did you meet him? What state of mind were you in? Did you compromise on something you weren’t certain about? Maybe you met him in a bar. Not that every man you meet in a bar is a cheater, but maybe it’s more likely to be true and you should consider a different path the next time. Switch things up and see if you get a fresh result.
In any case, there is certainly a benefit. All of the wrong relationships make you stronger and wiser and more prepared for when the right one comes along. Not only will you be more likely to see it, you will be more likely to capitalize on the opportunity and make the most of it!
I can tell you this from personal experience. I have found a relationship of a kind of quality and rarity that I wouldn’t have guessed existed. I recognize it and appreciate it thanks, in great part, to all of the failed relationships in my past. 10 years ago, I would have squandered this amazing opportunity to be truly happy.
Live and learn. Love and lose. Hurt and heal stronger. You may lose a few battles, but you will win the war. Trust me; it’s worth ever y ache and every pain. Bodybuilders grow muscles by damaging them. When you life weights, the muscles are damaged. The body heals the muscles and builds them bigger to stronger to compensate for the lifting demands. Over time, the muscles become strong and resilient. It’s the same for the heart muscle (symbolically anyway.) Relationship trials damage the heart, but it heals. It may feel very broken and weak at times, but in the end your heart will be bigger, stronger, and fuller.

Turn into Rubber and Bounce Back From Relationship Adversity

2009-01-16T21:54:00.000-08:00

Doesn’t it seem like some people are simply unshakable? Everyone knows someone that seems to be made completely out of rubber. Life knocks them down and they bounce off the floor right back to their feet.
So what’s the formula to turn emotional mush into optimistic relationship rubber?
1. Build your personal value. I pound on this point incessantly. You need to work on raising your personal worth up. Focus on the positive things that you have to offer. You may be loyal and supportive, entertaining and fun, or intellectually stimulating and interesting. You have your strengths that are appealing to people around you. What are they? Find them and accentuate them. (This isn’t just the physical things. You can’t push your tits up to your chin and call it a day ladies.) Know these things and you will have more confidence that the last one won’t be the last one.
2. Reflect on what happened, but only briefly. I have advocated a rule of one month per year of relationship to be alone and get yourself back to being you. I consider this to be brief. Try to keep it brief. Take the steps that I outlined in my blog about getting over a break up and concentrate on making it happen. Learn what you can, get focused on you, and get past it. Take the time to get it right, but don’t waste time moping.
3. Learn to believe that some things have nothing to do with you. A lot of women beat themselves up trying to make sense out of things. They can’t figure out why he would do something like that, or how it could go from seemingly so great to so bad. They tend to think it was something they did or didn’t do. Sometimes things happen that would have happened no matter what you did. If he cheats with his coworker, maybe he was just a cheater. Maybe there wasn’t anything you could have done to change that at all. You could have been the best looking, more interesting, most entertaining and amazing woman ever, and he still would have done it. Sometimes, there isn’t anything you need to change at all. Some things are simply out of your control. Learn to accept that.
4. If it didn’t work out, it wasn’t the relationship you were looking for anyway. This is one of those cliché things that people say to you to make you feel better. “You’re too good for him. He isn’t the right man for you anyway.” There is some real truth in this. If it didn’t work out it wasn’t going to work out. It’s better that it didn’t work out now rather then not working out two more years from now. No matter what the reason was that it didn’t work out, the bottom line is that it didn’t. If there is an issue for either one of you that’s a deal breaker, it’s always better to know. Every relationship has its issues. The right relationship is about both people being compatible enough to not have major differences, and being committed enough to work through the minor ones. Do you really want a relationship where your partner is on the opposite end of major beliefs from you? Do you really want a relationship with a partner that isn’t committed enough to work through the minor things.
5. There really are plenty of fish in the sea. There are about 60 million men of dating age (17-45) in the U.S. Although women outnumber men 51% to 49% this isn’t true in the dating age group. Men outnumber women in this group. Of that 30% are have never married, 9% are single again, and 27% are about to be single again. 80% of men in the U.S. have high school degrees or greater. 86% of them are considered “in the work force.” (actual jobs) If you break that down, there are about 27 million single men of dating age, which have jobs and some education, in the U.S. For those of you living here in the Sacramento area, that works out to about 103,000 just in the city of Sacramento. Now subtract how many of those you have personally dated, and notice the number doesn’t change much.
Here is the bottom line. Focus on the positives, play to your strengths, be patient, and keep it in perspective. The end of a relationship can feel like a knock down. If you work on being a little more like rubber, you’ll be surprised how fast you bounce back to your feet.

New Year’s Resolution

2009-01-16T21:53:00.000-08:00

I’ve been giving some thought to what I want to resolve to do this year. When I was thinking about my resolutions as they pertain to my writing, I had a thought; “How about a resolution for my readers?”
I am going to challenge you with my resolution for you this year. I want you to make a change this year. I want you to step away from your negative thoughts and bad personal habits. Specifically, I want you to walk away from those that have to do with any and all self-deprecating thoughts or actions. I want you to leave behind ANYTHING that you see as a personal shortcoming. This is the year for you to shift your thoughts about yourself as far to the positive spectrum as possible. I want you to drop “I can’t”, “I don’t”, “I’ll never”, and the like from your thoughts and speech. I get letters from women about all kinds of relationship issues and concerns. Nearly all of them have something in common. Almost all of them include a thought process along the lines of “I don’t seem to be able to…” or “I don’t get while I always manage to…” It’s important to understand that thoughts are realities. If you think you can’t, then you will ultimately convince yourself that you can’t to the point of physically being unable to.
Your mind is powerful. It will always work to find solutions to making your thoughts realities. It can be simple things like finding the quickest route through a crowd at the mall. It also does this, completely subconsciously, with much more complex tasks like finding Mr. Right or having more rewarding relationships. It’s an amazing phenomenon. There is a whole movement based on this ideology centered on a book called “The Secret.” (A great read if you take the time.) The idea is if you believe that you attract dirt bag men, your brain is going to affect your subconscious thought and actions toward making that belief a reality. You will attract what you think. Positive attracts positive. This is especially true of personal relationships. People want to be around other people that are positive. It makes us feel better about ourselves. The power of attitude is so strong; it even affects the realities of those around us. So, if you think it does affect yours, you’re in for a surprise.
So, here is your mission. Focus on your strengths. Think on the things that are good about you and in your life. Be into yourself. Get away from negative people and situations. Don’t waste mental time and effort on the things you don’t like in your life. This isn’t about action. It’s much simpler then that. This is about thought alone. Every action starts with a single thought. Focus on this and really work on it!! If you can put this into practice on a daily basis, you will be amazed at how many things will start to fix themselves.
Happy New Year!! (I fully expect to hear from you about the positive things that happen to you this year.)
Can’t figure out some positives? Write me, and I will help you.
If you like my blogs PLEASE tell someone about my page. My words have no power until someone reads them.
C. Christian

How Do Deal With a Breakup: Moving on

2009-01-16T21:52:00.000-08:00

Breaking up is hard when you thought it was going to last. Whether you got dropped, or were forced to do the dropping, it sucks. Often, people will pine over the relationship longer then reasonable. We try to figure out what happened, try to fix it, or try to convince yourself there could still be a chance. So, what can you do to make it quicker, easier, and less painful?
*Start by purging your emotions. Trying to fight the need to morn drags things out. You don’t have to play the tough role. You can do it in private if you are worried about people seeing you. Listen to some sappy music, or rent Ghost. (Most overrated movie ever, but great when you are sad about moving on.) Let it all out. It’s like empting the bad feelings out of the tank so you can refill it with the good stuff.
*Spend some time with loved ones and friends. It’s good to get around people that you have positive relationships with. Often a relationship takes time from your friends and family. Get caught up with the other people in your life. Go out with your friends. You might remind yourself that there are a few things that are good about being single.
*Make a positive change. Join a gym, change your look a little, or take up a new activity. A fresh distraction is a great idea. It will give you something to occupy your mind and a new thing to focus on. Make it something that will make you feel better about yourself. A bad break up can be a lot easier if you lose those 10 pounds, quit smoking, learn a new language, etc. It’s a good reminder that you can do great things on your own.
*Create a little space with your ex. You need to limit your interaction with your ex as much as possible; especially for the first couple months. Avoid the temptation to call or text when you are feeling lonely. Similar to someone quitting smoking, your system will go through withdrawals. You become emotionally accustomed to the other person. Don’t set yourself back by sneaking a taste. It takes a certain amount of willpower. If you have a hard time with this, get help. Have a support group of friends. That way, if you feel tempted, you can call and say “Help! I’m thinking about calling. Distract me!”
*Get back to being you. You are not defined by your relationships. You are an individual first and part of a couple second. Very often when you are in a relationship for any real period of time, you change slightly. Take this time to remind you of who you are. Be sure that the relationship didn’t change you in a negative manor. Take inventory of what you learned and grow from it. Get planted firmly back onto your own two feet, then…
*Get back in the saddle. My grandfather was a cattle rancher. One of the toughest things to do as a rancher is breaking a horse. It’s a process where you exert your will over the horse until it submits to you and will allow you to ride it. Many times it’s a matter of getting back on the horse one time more then he will throw you off. Then, the horse has lost the battle of wills and must submit to being the slave to the master. Relationships can be the same way. Getting to the relationship that you truly want is sometimes a matter of getting back in the game more times than it can throw you off. Every failed relationship is a toss off the horses back into the mud. If you refuse to give up, get off your ass, dust yourself off, and get back in the saddle you WILL win. There will be a time when you get back on the horse, and it simply won’t throw you off. Then there will be nothing left to do but to ride off into the sunset.

C. Christian
If you like my writing, please tell a friend. Written words aren’t worth a thing ‘til someone reads them

Is Your “Type” Keeping You From Meeting Your “Right?”

2009-01-16T21:51:00.000-08:00

You can ask anyone what they find attractive in a mate, and they will certainly have something to say. They will say, “I like my man to be tall, broad shoulders, tattoos, muscular, rich, blonde, etc, etc, etc” There is nothing wrong with that. Especially if your “type” is described by things like sensitive, patient, affectionate, or mature.
I have seen, on many occasions, where the physical attributes are so specific that they limit the woman’s odds considerably. Before you get all bent out of shape and pissed off at me because you should be able to date what you like, consider something. Much of what I write is meant to give you new perspective. So, clear your mind. What I am talking about is being so into your type that you miss out on someone that is great for you because he is a brunette instead of a blonde. What would you say if I promised you that you would meet a man that would be everything you dreamed of? He will treat you like a princess, listen and support you, love you unconditionally, and meet your every need. Imagine that man for a minute. There’s a catch. The catch is that the image that you have in your head now is not the way he will look. If he is tall, would you date a short man if it meant being truly happy? If his is young, add 15 years. Would you date that man if he was the man you deserve? If you have been dating muscular jerks, would you be open to the ideal man plus a few extra pounds?
I’m not advocating going out and finding the fattest short old guy you can find and asking him out. I am saying that you should take a minute and think about your “types.” Maybe it’s time for a change. Sometimes, when you seem to keep getting the same results it’s time for a chance. Again, I can speak on this from experience. For 15 years all I dated was brunettes. When my relationship ended with infidelity, I decided to shake things up a little. I dated a blonde. Maybe it was coincidence, maybe it was more than that, but the bottom line was that I found someone amazing. I found a connection with someone that was undeniable and unlike anything I ever felt before. Was it because she was blonde? Obviously not. However, I can tell you for certain that if I had continued to stay with my “type” like I always have, I would never have met her. I would have dated another brunette and missed out BIG.
I’m not making you a guarantee, but what do you have to lose? Everyone knows who Dr. Phil is. One of the things that he says that I love is “how’s that workin for ya?” If what you have been doing isn’t working, try something new.
Think about it.
C. Christian

You’re a Human Lie Detector

2009-01-16T21:50:00.001-08:00

Do you wish you had a way to tell when someone is lying to you? How great would that be? You could never be cheated or cheated on. You would never waste your time on people that are going to try to take advantage of you. Guess what? You already have the ability. It’s built in to you!
Have you ever had an odd feeling about something someone told you? Have you ever been unable to get a worry out of your mind even after you were given an explanation? I have heard it called a sixth sense, ESP, and women’s intuition. I think it is something more tangible than that. It’s something that is in everyone. It’s simply a matter of learning to listen.
Your subconscious mind constantly takes in a ton of information. It’s so much information that your brain has to filter it down to a stream of information that you can actually deal with. A good example is speed reading. It’s thought that everyone is capable of speed reading. The idea is that your eyes and brain take in everything on a written page. Your brain naturally filters it down and feeds it to you at about the same pace that you talk. Speed reading is simply a matter of training yourself to let your brain feed you the information in a different way.
This applies to verbal interaction as well. When you are talking to someone, your brain is taking in tons of subtle bits of information. It’s picking up on tone, pace, and pitch changes. It also notices eye movement, facial muscles, pulse, breathing, and other body language. These are the things that are used by professionals and even lie detecting machines to determine truth. Normally, your brain filters this out as less important than the words being said. Your mind is hearing the words, forming corresponding visualizations, and even thinking ahead to what you are planning on replying with. However, those other observations are often fed to you in the form of “feelings.” What you perceive as a feeling of something being “not quite right” may actually be your brain alerting you of a set of very real clues. Learn to trust your “feelings.” Your subconscious mind is like a computer. It doesn’t lie or feed you the facts in a pleasant package. It just gives you what it gets whether you like it or not. It will tell you what you need to know even when you might not want to know it.
Want to increase this ability? You can maximize your ability to pick up on these things and tell the truth from lies by becoming a better listener. When someone is talking to you, especially about something important, really listen. Try not to think of your rebuttal, or what might be said to you next. Don’t interrupt when the other person is talking, and manage your reactions. You don’t want to stop them before they have finished their thoughts. Look the person in the face, and turn your body toward them in a posture that shows interest.
Practice good listening and trust your gut. You’ll be amazed at how often you will be right and safe yourself a lot of time and trouble.
C. Christian

How to Spot a Cheater

2009-01-16T21:48:00.000-08:00

Is there a sure fire indicator of whether a man will cheat? I don’t think so. I do think that there are a number of signs you can look for that, when found in combination, can warn you of a likely cheater.
I get a lot of emails from women asking how to tell if a man is a cheater. They generally feel like they have a knack for attraction them. There is nothing you can do to guarantee you won’t get a cheater. There is very little you can do to effect whether or not a man will be unfaithful once you have him. There is, however, a lot you can do to decrease your chances of ending up with a cheater. The signs are there; you just have to look for them. I know I repeat the theme of being honest with yourself; this is no exception. You have to be willing to accept the signs even when it isn’t what you’d like.
What do I think is the single best indicator of a potentially unfaithful man? The size of his ego. This blog isn’t about the details about what makes a man cheat. There are a lot of reasons for that. It is most often caused by insecurity based on emotional detachment or a lack of feeling appreciated. I feel like most all of the causes can be simplified down to some form of ego. Whether it is the shallow ego based on competition with one’s self or other men, or the deeper egotistical need to simply be wanted. Men need to have their egos fed. We need to feel powerful and virile. Men vary a great deal in just how much of this they need. I think it is highly likely that a man with a big shallow ego will be more prone to cheat. The deeper ego isn’t as good of an indicator or cheating tendencies. This is a good, because shallow ego is easier to spot.
So, what are you looking for? There an abundance of examples. The more that fit, the more likely you have a cheater on your hands. For instance, he may insist on expensive designer jeans rather than Levis. He may have a very flashy car. (This is especially true if the car is more expensive, faster, or flashier then others in his peer group or vocation.) A big shallow ego can show its self in an obsession with physical appearance, like looking at his reflection constantly. I think you get the idea. These are generally ways that a man tries to feel better about himself. He is trying to feed the shallow ego.
Of course there are exceptions to many of these. If you meet a very wealthy man, then it doesn’t mean much the he drives a Ferrari. There are completely faithful men that like $300 jeans. It’s not about one behavior, rather a pattern or set of behaviors. I had a friend that made a great deal of money. He had a big house, a boat, and an Italian sports car. He kept himself in shape, and was always sharp dressed and polished. He was a very likable guy with a quick wit and a fun sense of humor. Sounds like a catch, yes? How about if the house, boat, and car where more expensive that those of any of his friends of coworkers? (Add to that that the sports car has two seats and he has 3 kids.) How about if he obsessed about his physique so much that he constantly use steroids and other drugs to get results fast? How about if that quick wit was used to constantly try to build himself up and look better then everyone around him? He’s starting to sound a little suspect, isn’t he? Did you guess that my friend is a cheater? Well, you’d be right.
If you want my opinion, stay away from men with big shallow egos. Save yourself the trouble. It’s one thing to take pride in your appearance, and want to look your best. It’s another thing to think that the universe centers on you. If a man’s world is centered on himself, then it can’t be centered on you. Shallow ego is about “ME ME ME.” That mentality leaves little room for concern about the feelings of anyone other then “ME.”
AFTERTHOUGHT: I know that I am going to get an email or two from the devil’s advocates. They will say something to the tune of “I have been with a man that is very flashy and egotistical for blah blah years. He has never cheated on me blah blah blah. You could be passing up blah on a great man blah because he has a little blah blah bit of a big ego blah.” True! However, this is about odds. You may have the one huge ego that will never cheat on you. I’m sure there is one of those out there somewhere. (You could also be a blind fool that doesn’t see what’s really going on.) I say “why risk it?” Why take that chance or make an exception on something that’s a good indicator of a potential issue. A big issue! Just move on. A man doesn’t have the right to have his shortcomings overlooked by you.

He Cheats, but You Stay? Don’t Blame Him!

2009-01-16T21:47:00.000-08:00

It’s not often that I write a rant. This is an exception. I have something to say to all of you girls out there that are currently with a man that cheated on you in the past. Please take just a minute out of your day and do something for me. It’s for your own good. Raise your right hand in front of your face with the palm facing toward you. Now move it away from your face as far as you can as long as you are still able to keep it level with your face and the palm vertical. Now, bring it toward your face as quickly as possible until you feel it strike your nose. Repeat.
You probably didn’t actually hit yourself in the face did you? Why not? Probably because you have an idea of how it feels, and you know it isn’t pleasant. It’s basic instinct to not do things that you know to be painful. Even a child will only try to grab a lit candle once. So why do you insist on going back for more again and again when a man cheats on you?? STOP IT!!
If a man cheats on you in any way, and you stay, what do you think you are saying to him? You are saying to him “If you cheat, I will be mad about it and be hurt, but ultimately do nothing. You will still get to have your cake and eat it too. I don’t respect myself enough to leave you, so don’t feel like you need to respect me either.” You are always going to determine the way a man treats you. It’s exactly the way you let him treat you. If a man cheats, how do you guarantee that it won’t happen again? Leave him. If you aren’t together it’s impossible for him to cheat on you. Right???
Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. I get letters from woman saying “My boyfriend has cheated on my several times. I love him. How can I get him to stop cheating on me?” It’s really frustrating ladies.
I wrote a blog once. Here it is again. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read it and take the words to heart.

The Final Straw/Breaking the Camel's Back

2009-01-16T21:46:00.000-08:00

Here’s the vicious cycle. You get stressed, and pay a little less attention to her. So, she nags a little more because she is feeling neglected. (Women need a lot of emotional support and reassurance.) So, you think she is being bitchy. Then, you maybe don't do something nice for her that you might normally do, because she's been a bitch. Then, she withdraws more and complains more. Sometimes she will complain about the real issue, but most often about other things that don't really matter. So, you get more stressed, offer less affection and less effort because she's being a bitch. Etc, etc, etc.

Keeping a woman happy is like the straw that breaks the camel's back. When you neglect to do something or mess up it's like putting something on the camel's back. Mess up big, and it's a big thing. Forget to pick up your dirty socks, maybe that's just a straw. When the camel has enough stuff on its back, a straw can literally be the deal breaker. Women keep mental track of that stuff. So you have to occasionally and regularly remove some of the load off the camel's back. Stay on the maintenance of taking things off, and you won't have to deal with her getting upset and complaining unless you mess up big. (I.e. Drop a tank on the camel.)

As the man, and the head of the family, you have to take the reins. You have to be willing to swallow your pride and humble yourself for her. If you love her enough, and I think you do, you can do it. This is the hardest thing AND the most valuable lesson for men in marriage.

Start doing little things for her. Things you don't do now. Weather it's doing a chore that is hers, buying her a little something that she mentioned she wanted, write a love note, call her during the day just to say "I love you" (email works too), wash her car, go out of your way to show interested in and listen about her day (BIG ONE), etc. You have to commit to this brother. It is going to take a little time and some consistency, but it will start to take the items off of her back. This promise this will work. If she starts feeling more loved, respected, and emotionally cared for; she will start being a lot easier to deal with. That, in turn, will make you happier and make these little things easier to do, which will make her happier, which will make her easier to deal with, which will make those things more easy, which… (Much better cycle, huh?)

I’m saying this from experience. Don’t give up. You love her, and she loves you. It’s worth fighting for. You don’t have to have a ton in common when the things you do have in common are so big. (Love for your kids, and love for each other.)

This is trial by fire. You can’t have the kind of marriage that we all want without taking a few shots. Nothing valuable is easy to acquire.

Bad Dating Luck? Pull a 180!

2009-01-16T21:45:00.000-08:00

I have been hearing a lot of people tell me about their bad luck with the dating game.

I have a friend that seems to be great at attracting the players. The last few guys that she has been interested in have talked sweet to her, went after what they wanted, and then bailed at the first sign of something serious. We talked for awhile about what she felt was going on. She didn’t get why she was having such bad luck picking guys. She said they were all the same guy in that they all treated her poorly in the same ways. She questioned the odds of being able to consistently attract the “douche bags”, and that is must be some kind of personal shortcoming. I told her that I had noticed some other similarities between the men she was meeting. They were all about the same body type and the same style. I had seen them all wearing a hat tilted to the side, sleeveless sports jerseys, and tattoos. I asked where she was meeting them all. She said “Out.” She meant out at bars and night clubs.

I suggested that there is something to be said for certain types of people being in certain places. Also, those men of specific personality types are more likely to have certain styles and looks. In her case, guys she met at bars wearing jerseys and tilted hats were players. Don’t get me wrong, one does not always lead to the other. I’m sure there are plenty of men out there that look like players that are far from it. We are talking odds here. Some stereotypes exist because they have occurred often enough for lots of people to notice. We are playing odds here to increase your probability of having quality relationships with quality people.

So what is the answer? Try a 180. If you like blue collar guys, try a white collar one. If you like red heads, try to meet a blonde. If you meet new people in bars, go to church and try to meet someone. You get the idea. I get that you’re going to be attracted to certain things and you can’t always help what that is. I think there is no right or wrong with what you are attracted to. My suggestion is to break the habit and change your luck. I heard a definition of insanity that I love. It says “Insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome then what you always got.” You never know when you will be attracted to something you never considered before. At the very least, it will give you some fresh perspective on the “type” that you have been sticking to.

You create your own fortune. We often become like a horse with blinders. We travel down the same path until it’s the only one we see. Force yourself to look around and get a fresh perspective. You’ll be amazing what you might realize.

Back and Forth: Does He Like Me or Not?

2009-01-16T21:43:00.000-08:00

In one form or another, I often get questions about why it seems like men will love you one minute and not care the next. It generally comes in the form of a man not calling when he said that he would.
It’s pretty common for a man to seem so interested in you and then not. We will say sweet things, and treat you like a princess, then nothing. I have heard men say that they want to be together, have never meet someone like you, that you make them feel like no other woman has, and a ton of the like. Then, he seems to just forget to call. Sometimes, it even manifests itself as being stood up or ignored.
Here’s the short answer to every form of this issue. He isn’t as into you as you think or as he says. Period. Words are great, but actions speak louder. It’s not just a cliché saying, it’s the truth. If he says “I love you”, but acts like he doesn’t care. The actions are the truth. I know many of you don’t want to believe it, but men will lie to get what they want. It may be your attention, sex, or just to not be alone. In any case, start listening to what you feel and not what they say. Many of you have GOT TO stop being so gullible. Stop believing what men tell you and start figuring out what’s going on for yourself. No matter what nice things he says to you and how it makes you feel; do you want to be lied to? NO WAY!! Those nice things aren’t worth crap unless they are sincere. Do you want a man to say he loves you or to actually love you?
Look, I know that it’s hard to think that a man that makes you feel so great might be using you for his own needs. You don’t want to believe it, and most women don’t. You have got to start putting emotions aside long enough to look at the situation with a clear head. It’s always better to sacrifice something that feels great for something that feels great and is REAL! If you don’t know already, you need to learn to admit the tough truths in order to not waste your time with Mr. Wrong. Two things will happen. One, you will be stronger, wiser, better equipped, and more likely to build the foundation for a solid relationship when the right opportunity comes along. Two, you will be much less likely to be distracted by some random guy when the right man walks into your life. That would be a real tragedy!
Again, I speak on this from experience. Long ago, I dated a girl that was great. I enjoyed our time together and treated her great. She made me happy, so I often told her. The problem was, that I didn’t see us being together long term. She had some shortcomings that were deal breakers for me. On top of that, she was too young and I just wasn’t ready to be in a serious relationship. I would call her based on convenience, and sometimes days would go by with no word from me. Then, I would call her sounding almost desperate to see her because I missed her so bad. (That’s what she must have thought anyway.) In my case, I really did like her. I just didn’t like her that much. Even when I knew that she assumed more then I actually felt, I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want her to stand up for herself and leave, because I wanted to keep her around. I wanted to keep her around for my convenience, to not feel lonely, and for my ego. I grew out of that and wouldn’t do that now. Men generally aren’t as evolved in their relationship minds as women. It takes us time to grow out of it. It’s a very real part of being a man, and you’re a fool if you aren’t watching for this. Like in my case, then man may treat you completely right. I was never mean. I was even romantic and thoughtful, when I wanted to be. It’s a mean trick. It may be intentional or not. Men aren’t going to stop doing it, and you certainly can’t make them. So, look out.
Here’s the bottom line: If he is on again off again, he’s probably not as into you as you think he is.
Have a situation that you can’t figure out? Have specific questions on this subject? Write me. I guarantee I can help you continue to build yourself up and raise your value.
C. Christian

Alone For the Holiday?

2009-01-16T21:42:00.000-08:00

For most people, this is the toughest time of year to be single. Let me offer those of you that are single a positive spin.
Finding a way to be comfortable alone is a huge step toward finding the kind of relationship that will be truly satisfying and really last. Being able to find strength in your identity as an individual in paramount. I truly believe that you can’t know if someone is right for you until you know yourself. The way to find out who you really are is the same way as you get to know someone else. You need to spend some time with you.
This is also a time to see that there is much more to life than just a romantic relationship. A romantic relationship should enrich your life, not be your whole life. The holidays are a great time to remind yourself of this. People are generally more friendly and giving. Take time to enjoy your family, children, or friends. Concentrate on the positive things around you. Find reasons to be happy about your life.
People are drawn to others that are confident in their identity. It’s comforting to others when they know that you know who you are. It means that they can learn what to expect from you, and know where they stand. It’s a form of security, and everyone wants to feel secure in their relationships. You will make yourself much more appealing. People will want to be around you and with you. When others know that you are comfortable and confident on your own they are more likely to want to find out why, and less likely to try to take advantage of you. It’s a funny phenomenon of human behavior. When you don’t need someone, they tend to try a lot harder to make themselves wanted and needed. We have all heard of, or been part of, a story about a guy treating a girl poorly and she just keeps coming around despite of it all. (It goes the other way too ladies.) In addition to that, don’t forget about the phenomenon of finding something only after you stop looking.
Concentrate on you. Focus on the positive. Stand tall and build your strength of self.
Happy Holidays and best of luck in the New Year.
C. Christian

Giving and Getting Attitude from Your Partner

2009-01-09T20:35:00.002-08:00

Giving and Getting Attitude from Your Partner

It’s really easy to get frustrated with the stress that comes at you in life. Sometimes it is stress from inside the relationship. Other times it can come from external things like job, money, other relationship, etc.

It is very natural to be more sensitive to things when you are in a state of heightened stress. You will tend to become more pessimistic, defensive, and short tempered. It becomes more likely that you might be upset by something that your partner does, that may not upset you otherwise.

It’s important to be aware of this when you are feeling stress. You want to work hard to avoid unnecessary conflict in your relationship due to stress that is not related. You will need to be honest with yourself when you are in a stressed state. Know that when you are like this that you will be apt to anger of become emotional more quickly. Resist the temptation to “snap.” Avoid reacting based on the initial feeling of emotion. If you take even a few seconds to let the emotion settle, you will be very much less likely to over-react. Don’t be a complete lunatic. I’m not encouraging you to be a tool either. If you take the time to breathe and consider your reaction with a cool head and you are still upset, then you may be justified in reacting strongly.

From the other side of the equation, the same consideration applies. If you know that your partner is under additional stress, try to be patient. Try to give them a chance to think twice if they are reacting emotionally to something. Try to be understanding. Listen to what they are upset about and consider how you would feel in their shoes. I know it sounds cliché. I know that it’s easier said then done.

The key here is if you are both making an effort and get half way there, you will meet in the middle. The idea is to work together and make every effort to avoid conflict when possible. There will inevitably be conflict in any serious relationship. Do what you can to avoid the conflicts that you can avoid. You will be surprised how much conflict you can avoid with a little communication and understanding.

I know this was a little sappier then usual. I’m a bit of a relationship pacifist at heart. The old “make love not war.”

I'm in a Relationship With a Man in Another Relationship: Letter from a Confused Woman

2009-01-09T20:35:00.001-08:00

C. Christian,

I’m in love with someone, and I know his already taken his not yet married but their live in ,that guy told me that he loves me more than his gf but still our relationship is not legal
our relationship runs for 3 months.... 3 months of hiding, now I decided to stay away from him coz I know there’s nothing gonna happened to our relationship. He cant live his gf. If he really loves me his going to do anything to keep our relationship better, it really hurts me everytime I see him I just don’t know what to do, I feel so much tense.
CAN YOU HELP ME ?
WAT SHOULD I DO?

This one is easier then it seems. You know what the right answer is. Walk away. He doesn’t care about you in the way he says he does, or in the way you would like him to. If he did he would make the moves to be with you. The fact that he isn't doing that gives you your answer. Actions always speak louder then words. No matter what he says to you!
Stop wasting your valuable time. You’re taking the chance that you'll be so focused on this bad relationship that you won't see the good man when he comes along.
Raise your value. You set your own worth. Ask more for the commodity of you and only the worthy will be able to afford you.

C. Christian

Visit my website at www.myspace.com/cchristiandodd

How Do Deal With a Breakup: Moving on

2009-01-08T11:48:00.000-08:00

What's a Woman's Worth?

2008-12-30T01:45:00.000-08:00

As I sit and think about my writing, I tried to think about what the reoccurring primary principle is. What is the one thing that I am trying to say more then anything else? Then I realized what it was. Not only did I realize what it was, but at the same time I realized it's the one thing that most people are forgetting or ignoring.

The nearly priceless value of a woman.

Alicia Keys wrote a song about it. Two lines of the song say "She rolls the mile makes you smile all the while being true. Don't take for granted the passion that she has for you."

I truly believe that women have evolved beyond men in emotional perception, connection, understanding, and appreciation. Women feel much more then men. They understand the value and benefits of deep personal connections and emotions. Women understand how love enriches the human experience much more then men. Men can intellectualize it, rationalize it, and analyze it. Men don't have the natural ability to do it. It's harder. For many men, it takes the love, patience, and support of a woman to feel it. Women offer men a deeper understanding of friendship, sexual connection, emotional experience, and human partnership.

I can tell you from my personal experience. I am naturally a introverted person. I am self centered and self sufficient. For most of my life, I have chosen to need no one. As a young man, I didn't appreciate women. I was a gentleman in person, but I didn't respect them. I took advantage of their emotional weaknesses. I would lead them along to get what I wanted. I thought I was smarter then they were, or some kind of master manipulator. Then, I meet a wonderful woman and got married. I gave 100% of myself and she taught me a great deal about myself. I never imagined I could feel love so deep. Then, I was crushed by that woman. I felt a low down depth in direct contrast to the soaring height of emotion I had felt from my love for her. I felt things I never thought I could. Through trying to sort through how I felt about the things that happened I gained a deeper understanding of my emotional self. Now, I truly appreciate things more. I have better, closer, and more rewarding relationships with my family. I have become a better father and enjoy much more being a parent. I have a new girlfriend that I love and appreciate deeply. I much better understand and appreciate my feelings for her and the value of our relationship. I get what she offers and what it means for her to give her emotional self to me. I truly understand her worth.In understanding her worth, I wouldn't dream of treating her as being anything less then nearly priceless. I know that I will learn and grow more from her as well. Guess what? If not for these two women in my life, I won't appreciate life nearly as much. I won't be writing. I won't be happy. BELIEVE IT!

Ladies, listen up! I've written about raising your value. I haven't talk much about what you should base that value on. You are nearly priceless!! The only reason I say "nearly" is because the right man will pay the cost to EARN you. It won't be easy for him, but he will do what it takes. IF he is the right one, he will fight to win you. When he does, he will appreciate you all the more. Nothing worth having is easy to acquire. THAT IS THE POINT! No man fights hard to get something just to lose it. Do you think a man that saves his money to buy his dream car is going to beat it up and drive it into the ground? NO WAY. Neither will he work hard to earn you just to lose you to cheating, poor treatment, neglect, etc, etc, etc. That only happens when you are easy to acquire. Like a penny on the ground. No value. "Easy come, easy go." So...

KNOW YOUR WORTH, AND DON'T TAKE A CENT LESS!!!!!

Giving and Getting Attitude from Your Partner

2008-12-11T16:19:00.000-08:00

Where Do You Have Luck Meeting Good Dating Prospects?

2008-12-10T12:38:00.000-08:00

Just Say "No" To Men

2008-12-07T22:16:00.001-08:00

No. Say it with me. Seriously, say it out loud. No.
It seems that many of you ladies out there are having a hard time puckering your lips up and uttering those two letters in succession. If you want to get what you want from men, and what you want in your relationships, you must learn to use this word. It's not a bad life rule either.
So many women allow themselves to be taken advantage of when a simple "no" would keep you going the right direction. Men can be very childish at times. Very often, during the early stages of dating, we push to see what we can get away with. It's an ego thing. Every man has bragged, or heard a friend brag, about the girl that would come whenever he called. In my younger and, more foolish, days I had a story like this. There was a girl that I met when she was 18. I was a few years older, and definitely more experienced. We started dating casually. Since I was older, and was showing her a few things she hadn't seen before, she was excited by me. It caused her to be anxious to see me, and that caused her to come when I called. At first, she would tell me "Don't worry about picking me up. I will get a ride over to you." I had a car, and she didn't. It wouldn't have been a big deal to go and get her, but since she offered, I just let her come over. After a few weeks, I was calling her at 2am after a night of drinking with the boys. Sure enough, she would find a way to get there. I didn't respect her. I didn't treat her as any more then what she was letting herself be. The sad thing is that I really did like her. I realized all this in retrospect. She was a sweet girl. She was giving, loyal, beautiful, and fun to be around. She was definitely the type of girl I could have been serious about. She was the kind of girl that I would have treated well and taken care of. It would have been completely different if she would have done one thing. If she would have told me "no" a few times, she would never have fell into the role that she fell into.
I am, by no means, justifying my actions. I was really slimy then. I took advantage of her and played the role of the man that I now help women to avoid. This is, however, a great example of something that YOU can do to affect the men you date. You can say "I should have to do this. A good man isn't going to act like you. I wouldn't want to be with a guy like that any, so why do I care about telling him no?" The idea is that men have a tendency to act this way early in the dating game if you let them. You will never get to find out if he is a good man, or the man you want if you can't get through that initial phase. Sure, there are men that will do the right thing anyway. I was a good example of the more likely scenario. I married the very next woman I dated. I was faithful, respectful, and a completely different man with her. The difference was that she had respect for herself, and she did tell me "no." She presented herself as something that was a treasure to be earned. It's likely that one or two of the jerks that you have dated will end up being a great husband for someone. I was one.
The bottom line is really about standing up for yourself. It's great thing to be a generous giving person. It can bite you in the ass in the early stages of the dating game. It comes down to knowing how you deserve to be treated. Respect yourself and others will respect you too. Place a high value on yourself, and others will place a high value on you too. You are the only commodity that you set the price wherever you see fit.
Say it again. No. It's easy. No.
"Come over. All the boys left, and I don't want to be alone." No.
"I know you said you don't like this, but I really like it. I really like you." No.
"I'm not really looking for something series, but I'd still like to spend some time with you here and there until I am." No.
"It doesn't feel as good when I wear one. Just this once?" No.

Visit me at www.cchristiandodd.com

One Step to Make Relationships Easier!

2008-11-29T15:44:00.000-08:00

You are very often going to hear me talk about honesty.
Let’s lay down a general rule. You are always going to have far better results with the truth then with trying to fabricate a reality. I don’t care how slick you think you are, or how much luck you’ve had in the past with creative truths.
One lie creates more lies to make the first lie fit. When you start to stray from the truth in the context of a relationship, you start to build a house of cards. You may be able to get a layer of two to stand, but the farther you go in the relationship, the higher the stack of cards rises. It is inevitable that you will be forced with a situation in which your lies will double back on themselves and down will come your house of cards.

MEN
Women are willing to forgive your shortcomings for the positives that you have to offer. I’ve seen many a couple where a beautiful young intelligent woman is with a less then attractive man that doesn’t seem to have anything to offer. She forgives the beer belly because he considers her feelings before he speaks harshly to her. Women are much less shallow then we are. You can be a penniless guy with a questionable fashion sense, and they are capable of seeing past that to your strengths. I remember a conversation with a girlfriend of mine about her ex. She talked about how she had a hard time with the fact that he was shorter then her. She said that after a little bit, his height wasn’t an issue because he offered so many other things. Be truthful. Even if you think you may just be trying to get a girl in bed when you tell her you are a professional athlete, but you never know when you are going to find yourself seeing her as a potential for much more. Then what? Then, you’re basically screwed.

WOMEN
Although men are shallower and tend to be a little less forgiving of some of your shortcomings, the same rules apply. Be truthful! Your concern is to give a man the chance to love you for whom you are. If you try to portray yourself as someone that you aren’t, and he falls for you, then what? Will you keep up the façade forever? You are a unique and fantastic person for all of the pieces that combine to make you. You are the only you there is. You never know when the things that you see as odd and potentially undesirable will cause you to stand out in a good way. My best friend always found himself dating girls of a certain “type.” Then, he met a girl that didn’t fit that type at all. As she learned more about the girls that he use to date, she started to realize that they weren’t her. She could have chosen to try to change herself in small ways to be more like what she saw as desirable to him, but she didn’t. As the relationship progressed, my friend confided in me that the very things that were different about her made him love her. All of his relationships with his “type” had failed. He didn’t consciously realize it, but it caused him to enter relationships with a certain cynicism that contributed to there failure. Her differences changed that. He didn’t have the negative thoughts entering into the relationship. It caused him to get to know her for who she was and the fact she wasn’t his “type” not only didn’t matter, it ended up being a good thing. She stayed true to herself and was truthful with him, and it paid off big. They got married, by the way.

The bottom line is; you have to be honest with yourself and others about who you are, what you think, and what you like. Relationships that stand the test of time have to be built on feelings for each other that are real and based on who you really are. Respect yourself and be proud of who you are.

Visit with C. Christian and get personal answers at www.cchristiandodd.com

What are little boys made of?

2007-12-23T17:27:00.001-08:00

"Frogs and snails, And puppy-dogs' tails..." My grandma use to tell me a nursery rhyme that stated that this is what little boys are made of. OK, so maybe. What are men made of? Ego, mostly. If you want to know what makes up a man, look at yourself ladies. Start with a woman, dull the emotions and add a LOT of ego and you have a man.

Men really are simple. Almost everything we do can be filtered down to the ego. Why do men seem like they are interested in you at times, and then blow you off, or not call you for days at a time? It's because, if they were being honest, they aren't that interested in you. It's the ego that keeps them from just telling you the truth and moving on. There is something about you that they like, and their ego won't let another man enjoy. I may not really want you, but it doesn't mean I want some other guy to get you either. It can also be ego driven in another way. Maybe they are getting something from you that makes their ego feel good? I wonder what that could be??? Ladies, stop giving a man what he wants, and you will find out really quickly if he is really interested in you or not. I'M TALKING ABOUT SEX! Yes, it really is a weapon. One that a man is powerless against, if you know how to use it rather then impaling yourself on it. Learn to weld it and the world is yours. I'll definitely get back to that later!

If there is a bright side, all of that ego also makes us very insecure deep down. Either that, or we are really insecure to begin with and we develop the ego to compensate. Which it is doesn't matter. What's important to note here is that we really are as sensitive as you in a lot of ways. Otherwise, why would we spend so much time getting bigger muscles, buying faster cars, or trying to get better looking girls then our friends? From a young age men are competing with each other. We are constantly measuring ourselves against others. Do this enough, and you are going to start to create doubt in yourself here and there. You are bound to lose no matter how hard you try. You can't be better then everyone, at everything, all of the time.

So, why is it important to know this? Well, for one, that (in those two paragraphs up there) is 99% of what you need to know. Seems to easy doesn't it? Well, that's cause it is once you get it.
Secondly, it means that you only have to do two things right to make us happy and content and make us want to be with you and only you. Comfort the insecurity and boast the ego at the same time, and we are DONE!! We will fall in love with you for the way we see you, because of the way you make us see ourselves.

You KNOW I'm gonna have a lot more to say about this. Like, maybe, HOW you are going to do this?!?! Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging.

Visit with C. Christian and get personal answers at www.cchristiandodd.com

Men are simple, let me shed some light.

2007-12-13T18:20:00.000-08:00

I've been writing about what makes women easy to figure out on my other blog. Well, I realized that it is a two way street. Ladies, follow my blog in the following weeks and let me make your life more simple. Men are easy to figure out and even easier to move like pawns.

I'm going to show you how to know what a man wants, what he means when he speaks, and how to know what moves to make to get what you want from us. I will show you how to get them to come to you, or how to get them to go away.

I will also help you know when you are wasting your time, when they are lying or cheating, and when they are ready to commit to you for real. I've been the player, been the run and hide from commitment, the manipulator, and then the committer. Let me tell you from my perspective, and that of the other men that I know, how we act and what to do with us at each stage.

Get this down and relationships with men will prove to be less stressful and more rewarding. I promise!

Visit with C. Christian and get personal answers at www.cchristiandodd.com