After I wrote it, I realized that it's a little harsh. It seems a little tough love is what people need sometimes. We get stuck in a box, and can't seem to get perspective. It's the old "you can't see the forest for the trees" conundrum.
It's like a ship on the sea. You set out on a new relationship voyage, from the old familiar home port, headed with certainty into the sunset. You know where you are starting from, and where you see yourself going. The problem is the fog. Every relationship voyage is bound to be stricken with a fog bank or two. The challenge is to keep your barrings and stay on course. Like sea traveling, if you don't stop and assess your direction of travel you will find yourself just a shade off course. No big deal, right? Except for the fact that a small change of direction sets you more and more off course as you sail along. Soon you are in the Arctic instead of the Caribbean, and you can't figure out where all the damn penguins came from.
I recently had a conversation with a friend about her relationship that was "falling apart." She had been seeing a man that she worked with. She had found herself really starting to have feelings for him and starting to imagine a future with him. They had been spending a lot of time together and she felt the relationship was progressing nicely. A two weeks before her and I spoke, she had changed jobs and was no longer working with him. About the same time, he stopped calling her. She couldn't figure out why. She was beside herself.
After a short conversation she started to realize a few things. For one, he never really called her that much. They spoke often, but it was because they worked together. She also realized that the most of the time they did anything together was when everyone from work went out. It was often, so it seemed they were spending a lot of time together. She knew they had spent alone time together, but after some careful thought, she realized it was always at her request. Either that, or when he would call and sweet talk her into coming over for some romantic time. Yeah, I mean a booty call. She hadn't see it that way before.
She had started hanging out with him because she saw some potential. One small compromise led to another. Soon she found herself in a relationship totally unacceptable by her own standards, and she couldn't see it. Not only could she not see it, she was upset that it seemed to be over.
Men will stay in a relationship that is convenient and offers some redeeming value even when they know that it isn't really what they want. If a man can get a woman to offer up sex with no "strings" and no effort, he will take it. He will do this even if he has absolutely no further interest in the woman he is getting it from.
As women, you have to watch out for yourself in this arena. You have to take the time to stop and evaluate where you are and the direction you are heading. How do you do this?
1. Listen to your close friends.
Your CLOSE friends. The ones that truly care about your well being, and will be honest with you even when you don't like it. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I tried to tell her" stories. Your friends are on the outside looking in. They have a less bias view then you do.
2. Make a list of what you really want in your ideal relationship then compare it to your current relationship
Don't think about the one you are in now. Think about your ideal relationship. How would he talk to you, treat you, and make you feel? Take a little time to do this and WRITE IT DOWN. Take this seriously and actually do it. Be honest with yourself. If you wrote "really listens to me, and respects what I think," ask yourself if he REALLY listens and respects you. Take a few minutes and reflect on how he makes you feel when you talk to him. Close your eyes, and imagine a few conversations.
3. Make a Ben Franklin list
It's a tried and true way to subjectively assess something. Take a couple of days to do this. Draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper. On one side, write the things that are positive in your relationship. One the other, write the things that fall short. You may be really surprised by what you find.
4. Write me.
Let me hear your story. I will always tell you how it really is. (Seebelow)
Respect yourself. You are valuable. Don't settle for less then what you are worth. You wouldn't sell your car for a buck. So, why would you cheap sell yourself? Some expectations shouldn't be compromised on. Regularly assess where you are and where you are headed. Stay on track. If the man you are with is making it impossible to stay on track, he's not the right man. If you stay with him and let him drag you off course from where you really want to be, then you have NO ONE to blame but yourself. (That's where the "it's probably just you" comes in.)
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I'm in a Relationship With a Man in Another Relationship: Letter from a Confused Woman
C. Christian,
I’m in love with someone, and I know his already taken his not yet married but their live in ,that guy told me that he loves me more than his gf but still our relationship is not legalour relationship runs for 3 months.... 3 months of hiding, now I decided to stay away from him coz I know there’s nothing gonna happened to our relationship. He cant live his gf. If he really loves me his going to do anything to keep our relationship better, it really hurts me everytime I see him I just don’t know what to do, I feel so much tense.CAN YOU HELP ME ?WAT SHOULD I DO?
-Confussed
Dear "Confussed",
This one is easier then it seems. You know what the right answer is. Walk away. He doesn’t care about you in the way he says he does, or in the way you would like him to. If he did he would make the moves to be with you. The fact that he isn't doing that gives you your answer. Actions always speak louder then words. No matter what he says to you!Stop wasting your valuable time. You’re taking the chance that you'll be so focused on this bad relationship that you won't see the good man when he comes along.Raise your value. You set your own worth. Ask more for the commodity of you and only the worthy will be able to afford you.
C. Christian
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I’m in love with someone, and I know his already taken his not yet married but their live in ,that guy told me that he loves me more than his gf but still our relationship is not legalour relationship runs for 3 months.... 3 months of hiding, now I decided to stay away from him coz I know there’s nothing gonna happened to our relationship. He cant live his gf. If he really loves me his going to do anything to keep our relationship better, it really hurts me everytime I see him I just don’t know what to do, I feel so much tense.CAN YOU HELP ME ?WAT SHOULD I DO?
-Confussed
Dear "Confussed",
This one is easier then it seems. You know what the right answer is. Walk away. He doesn’t care about you in the way he says he does, or in the way you would like him to. If he did he would make the moves to be with you. The fact that he isn't doing that gives you your answer. Actions always speak louder then words. No matter what he says to you!Stop wasting your valuable time. You’re taking the chance that you'll be so focused on this bad relationship that you won't see the good man when he comes along.Raise your value. You set your own worth. Ask more for the commodity of you and only the worthy will be able to afford you.
C. Christian
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Getting Bored or Gettin Comfortable?
There are a few traps that all new relationships must avoid. Any one of them could potentially bring about the end of the relationship. One that is a tough mental challenge is the transition from the “best behavior” stage to the “getting comfortable” stage.
The “best behavior” stage is the beginning of a new relationship. It starts from the first meeting, and can last as little as a few weeks to more then a year. It usually depends on the amount of time the new couple is spending together. Of course, it also varies based on the individuals. This stage is characterized by the wide eyes, compliments, intense focus of attention on each other will together, gifts, surprises, lack of arguing, and general peace and harmony. The two are still acting in a formal manor during this stage. They watch what they say a little more, are more likely to brush aside small things that may bother them normally, pay extra close attention when the other is speaking, are careful to be mindful of their appearance at all times, and suppress any unfavorable habits.
The “getting comfortable” stage is when the two slowly transition to acting the way they do around their closest friends and when they are alone. It usually comes as the two spend more and more time together. They start to share every day tasks like shopping, cleaning, etc. They start to include each other in the things that they were previously doing separately. The two start to get more lax in watching their behavior. They start to “be themselves.”
Moving from one stage to the other can be difficult sometimes. It’s inevitable that one or both feel that the other person is slacking, losing interest, or that something is wrong. Women seem to feel this way more then men, because they are more sensitive to frequency and quality of direct interaction. This is where one of the primary differences between men and women shows itself. Men feel close by doing things together. Watching TV together is quality time. Women feel close by conversation and direct interaction.
As a woman, you need to understand that often this is not a problem or a sign of something bad happening. If a relationship is going to last, both you and him need to realize that it isn’t realistic to be on your best behavior all the time. When you are spending 5-10 hours a week together, even a 5 year old can behave that much. When you are spending 25+ hours a week together some personal time will become together time.
Do the best you can to keep things in perspective. Of course, there is a limit to this. If you feel you’ve done everything you can to try to be open minded and patient, and he still seems disinterested, write me.
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The “best behavior” stage is the beginning of a new relationship. It starts from the first meeting, and can last as little as a few weeks to more then a year. It usually depends on the amount of time the new couple is spending together. Of course, it also varies based on the individuals. This stage is characterized by the wide eyes, compliments, intense focus of attention on each other will together, gifts, surprises, lack of arguing, and general peace and harmony. The two are still acting in a formal manor during this stage. They watch what they say a little more, are more likely to brush aside small things that may bother them normally, pay extra close attention when the other is speaking, are careful to be mindful of their appearance at all times, and suppress any unfavorable habits.
The “getting comfortable” stage is when the two slowly transition to acting the way they do around their closest friends and when they are alone. It usually comes as the two spend more and more time together. They start to share every day tasks like shopping, cleaning, etc. They start to include each other in the things that they were previously doing separately. The two start to get more lax in watching their behavior. They start to “be themselves.”
Moving from one stage to the other can be difficult sometimes. It’s inevitable that one or both feel that the other person is slacking, losing interest, or that something is wrong. Women seem to feel this way more then men, because they are more sensitive to frequency and quality of direct interaction. This is where one of the primary differences between men and women shows itself. Men feel close by doing things together. Watching TV together is quality time. Women feel close by conversation and direct interaction.
As a woman, you need to understand that often this is not a problem or a sign of something bad happening. If a relationship is going to last, both you and him need to realize that it isn’t realistic to be on your best behavior all the time. When you are spending 5-10 hours a week together, even a 5 year old can behave that much. When you are spending 25+ hours a week together some personal time will become together time.
Do the best you can to keep things in perspective. Of course, there is a limit to this. If you feel you’ve done everything you can to try to be open minded and patient, and he still seems disinterested, write me.
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It’s Respect and then Sex NOT Sex and then Respect
There are a lot of men out there that are going to be pissed off as a result of some actions taken by some of you that will read this. I could lose my guy card for this ladies, so please listen up and make it worth it.
There is a certain order to things. In this case it's respect and then sex. It doesn't often work out the other way around. If you are going to try to sleep with the men that you date, and then try to get them to treat you with respect, you are going to be very frustrated.
Men tend to be simple minded when it comes to relationships. When the relationship starts the first thing a man wants to do it get you in bed. We want to sleep with our coworkers, our female friends, and every attractive woman we pass on the street. You are no exception. It's because men are very sexual. Our egos drive us to sexual conquest. We see you as a sexual object, a vessel of pleasure and satisfaction of the ego.
However, men can be and want much more. Men are capable of being nurturing, supportive, emotionally available, sensitive, etc, etc, etc. You just have to get yourself past the point of sexual object in our minds. Once a man starts to see you as more then sex, then he will start to get to know you as an intelligent person, and not just as a pair of tits. If you can get to this point, then you can get the respect. Sex is much better when you're confident that you're much more to him.
If you sleep with a man right away, then you take a real chance of forever banishing yourself to the realm of booty call in his mind. If you sleep with a man before he has really earned it, what motivation does he have to get to know more about you? Why would he even try to? He is getting what he wants. It's the old adage of "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" I don't care what he tells you, you will have forever affected the way he sees you.
I remember a girl that I dated that slept with me right away. She was a very nice girl and I really liked her. In retrospect, I could probably have had a great relationship with her. It could have been so much more. The problem was that I never gave the relationship the chance. I was getting what I wanted when I wanted it. I never respected her, and never saw her as more than a sexual partner. It's the nature of men.
So, what's the right way to use this amazing weapon??
Use that sex appeal to get a man interested. Be sexy. Be sexual. Just don't be sex. Not right away anyway. He will be drawn to you for your sexuality. He will stay because of that sexuality (at first.) Use that to your advantage. Talk to him. Get him to talk to you. Do things together. Date! Let him get to know you as a person. Let him find other things that he likes about you, OTHER reasons to stay (besides sex.) You will be amazed at how long a man will stick around without getting sex. If you can get a man to stick around and want to be with you when you aren't sleeping with him, then you have something!!! Then, knock his socks off in bed. He will be yours, hooked!
This will also weed out the junk; the men that will call you a tease or try to push your limitations. Don't give into these guys. These are the ones that only want one thing. Guess. If you really like a man and don't sleep with him, then he calls you a tease and leaves, avoid the temptation to be heartbroken. He may have been great to look at and a lot of fun, but if he leaves now (before you sleep with him) he would have left anyway. He'd probably do it after your feelings were involved. The men that are going to stick around and get to know you are the ones you are going to want to get to know.
Here I go again. Raise your personal value. You are a rare commodity. If you are giving that commodity away, then it has no value. Make it hard to acquire and only the best will be able to get some.
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Autophobia: The Fear of Being Alone
It seems that I continually run into women that seem to have been stricken with a condition that causes them to be completely unable to be single. First of all, I get it. I really do. It’s nice to have someone. People are simply built for companionship. We aren’t lone wolves. This isn’t a bad thing!!
Autophobia becomes a problem when it starts to affect your judgment and the way you act when dealing with the opposite sex. I have and will continue to say to women “be alone!” It’s one of the most empowering and liberating things that you can do as a woman. If you can learn to be comfortable and confident as a single woman, then you’re going to have MUCH more success and a MUCH easier time with men.
When you aren’t certain of who you are and what you like, then you won’t be able to decide what you expect and/or require from the opposite sex. This is a real slippery slope. I have a friend that is a text book case of autophobia. She is a real city girl. Very much into high heals and Cosmos, a real Sex in The City type. She met a man from the country. He is a real hunter/fisher type. Sparks flew and they got into a relationship that lasted for about 4 years. During the four years, as is inevitable in a long relationship, she experienced new things with him. This was especially true for these two because of their differing backgrounds. They did as people do, and naturally adapted themselves somewhat to the relationship that they were in. They introduced each other to new things, and they did those things together. Some of those may have been things she wouldn’t have done on her own. Not a problem. Then, the relationship ended. Being a classic sufferer of autophobia, she jumped into a fresh relationship before the other one was cold.
This is where we see the problem with never really being alone manifested itself. Now she’s the girl that likes Jimmy Choos, but now owns hiking boots and a fishing pole. She bought them so she and the last guy could do the outdoors thing. She liked it, because they could spend time together, even though it was definitely not her thing before him. The new man in her life is a sports nut, but not really into the outdoors. She thinks she can get into football in order to share some time with her new Beau, but she’s not certain. After all, she seems to remember not liking it before. On top of that, it always seemed so brutish.
So, which is it? Who are you?? Do you really like hiking, or was the enjoyment you got from that caused by spending time with the man you loved? Was the well dressed city girl really you, or was that just your thing at the time? After all, you really didn’t mind the boots. They were warmer and A LOT less expensive. You didn’t even have to worry about breaking a heal! It’s all very hard to see from the inside of a new relationship.
Time alone is so important to a woman’s sense of identity. Of course it is for men too, but it’s doubly important for the ladies to make an effort to take the time to assess where you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going. Women tend to be more compromising and naturally nurturing of their partner’s needs. This makes them more susceptible of adapting who they are, and trying new things for their partners.
Every relationship adds to our experience and changes us in small ways. This is part of maturing and is important to finding our ultimate identity. However, we go too far with this in the heat of the moment. In the midst of the relationship, we can’t see the forest for the trees sometimes. Taking the time to be alone and process these experiences helps us realize what we have learned. You have to ask yourself “Who am I?” Was I really going over board with the $500 shoes, or is that something that really makes me happy? Do I really like hiking, or was it something I tolerated to spend time with him doing something he likes? Maybe I’m somewhere in between? Maybe I need to find a GQ guy with a nice RV that likes to do luxury camping a few times a year?
I’ve put this in terms of superficial things like clothes and hobbies, but it applies across the board. It applies just as much to the way we talk to each other, the romance level we expect, the way we handle conflicts, SEX, and every other nuance of our relationships.
You cannot truly know what kind of a partner you want and need until you truly know who you are, what you need, and what you truly expect. It’s all about your happiness. I don’t believe in a single soul mate. I think there are many people out there that could make you truly happy. The odds of you finding that person are pretty good, IF you know how to recognize them when they come along. It also helps to be good at telling the ones that are definitely NOT right. It’s definitely important that you aren’t tied up with the wrong one when one of the right ones comes along! Learn to measure yourself up and see yourself clearly, and you will have an accurate gauge by with to measure those around you.
Rule of thumb: One month for every year of relationship. Everyone is different, so consider this a minimum. Try it and see how much more clearly you see things.
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