Can You Meet a Good Man in a Bar? How?

The answer is NO, you can’t. Well, maybe.

Here’s the problem with that whole thing. You have to understand the mindset of a man when he is out at the bar. The atmosphere in a bar is going to magnify all of the caveman like behaviors of a man. Women are dressed and dancing in ways that insight sexual response. On top of that, you have the alcohol. We all know how alcohol tends to make men and women less inhibited. For men this means that the more civilized gentleman is going to be drowned out by the sexual and basic caveman inside. Men feel like they are on the hunt when they are out at the bar. If you watch, you can easily see this. Men will butt heads with their friends, try to out drink each other, start fights with strangers, and try to make sexual advances on as many women as they can on any given night. It’s not that they are always this way; it’s an effect of the environment.

I definitely feel that the bar is the worst place to meet men. However, it can work. There are a certain number of men that go out to the bar once in a while, rather than being completely “into” the scene. Many of these men are there for the same reason you are. They are blowing off a little steam, hanging out with friends, or just getting out of the house. So, how do you figure out which is which and rope a good one? Here are a few tips:

1. If he is obviously drunk, pass. He may be charming or cute, but if he is obviously intoxicated he isn’t himself. You can’t get a good read on what he might really be like. Talk to the ones that are in control.

2. Don’t let yourself get to drunk. If you think there is even a slight chance that you will be open to meeting someone, keep it under control. Your judgment is crap when you’re drunk and you know it. You are a whole loss less likely to waste the night hanging out with a douche bag and regretting it in the morning if you are clear headed.

3. Confidence is good, but not aggression. Guys that are out to get laid are going to be more aggressive. When men set out to “pick up chicks” the clock starts ticking and we know it. We will watch the clock closely knowing that we only have a short window to “make it happen.” Be aware of a man that is trying to push the conversation quickly to sexual topics even jokingly, or that is trying to escalate how often and where he is touching you. A smart guy knows that there is a psychology to sexual arousal and that it includes moving your mind subtly to sexual thoughts and slowing making you comfortable with his touch. This includes touching hands, back, arms, etc. Players have this down, watch for it.

4. If he seems interested, but doesn’t make a move, YOU DO IT. This is the 21st century ladies; you can go and talk to him. If you don’t want to meet great men, then stick to the old “if he wants to talk to me, he can come over here.” That is an antiquated mentality. I can tell you from experience. I NEVER hit on girls in bars. It’s not because I can’t, or that I never wanted to meet any of them. I have always hated the stereotypes of the environment that were automatically placed on me. I was, however, always very impressed and interested in any woman that took the opportunity to talk to me. It’s flattering, and definitely puts you in the right place in my mind. If a man is smiling at you or obviously noticing you, but doesn’t make a move, it may mean that he didn’t intend to hit on anyone. That’s good. If you notice him, noticing you, talk a walk over. Just say “hi”, he will take it from there. Trust me!

5. No matter how the night goes, leave him wanting more. This means DON’T GO HOME WITH HIM!! If you are in the mindset that you want to meet someone for more than that night, don’t even make out with him. You have to stop doing these things ladies. Remember my blogs on respect before sex and the power of sex? You don’t want to over sexualize yourself. If you give good conversation, flirt, and leave him wanting more; it’s going to start his mind heading in the right direction. We are men; there is never a problem with you being sexually arousing to us. Work on everything else.

6. Withhold judgment. I know how many of you are hopeful romantics. You really want him to be great. You want him to be all the positive things that he seemed to be. Even if you find what seems to be a good one and things go well, YOU WERE IN A BAR. Set up a real date. Someplace where you can talk one on one, without yelling. You might want to get him in a well lit room also. Dim bar lighting can play tricks on the eyes. Be sure your prince charming isn’t a frog. You need to get him out of the bar environment and completely out of the bar mindset so that you can tell what you are really dealing with. Then, you can start to form an opinion about what you really have in front of you. This is about your mindset and his.

I understand that often we are dealing with a small dating pool. The bar scene isn’t a great place to meet good men, but it is a necessary evil for many of you. Be smart and aware of your surroundings and you will have a much better chance of something good coming from it. Remember, you are a modern woman surrounded by cavemen. It only takes a little work to outsmart them. You just have to understand how the mind of a caveman works. Then, it’s a piece of cake.