Learning To Trust After You Have Been Betrayed

You trusted him and it bit you in the ass. It was the last person that you thought would ever hurt you, and now you feel like something inside of you is broken. You feel like everyone is a cheater now. How did this happen? It’s not like you? How do you learn to trust again?

Being lied to and cheated on is a terrible feeling. It’s a feeling of being violated and taken advantage of. That’s never a good feeling. It’s a traumatic thing to happen when it’s a stranger taking advantage of you. It’s so much more damaging when it’s someone that you have feelings for. The inevitable thoughts that run and rerun in your head about when, where, and how cause you to feel like you should have seen the signs. That makes you feel foolish. Feeling foolish makes you angry and determined to not let it happen again. Usually, you figure that you will be more mindful and look harder for the signs. That can very easily lead you to being overly suspicious, distrusting, and even confrontational. If you’ve been cheated on, the feelings and actions that spawn from that experience have likely sabotaged a relationship with someone else. At the very least, it may have stopped one before it could get started. It’s a trap that can cost you more heartache then the initial infidelity! Heaven forbid that you get cheated on more than once!

Moving on from a cheater is hard and takes personal strength. The first step is always to take the time to work through the hurt of being betrayed. Too often, women don’t take the time that they need to deal with the emotional trauma. They jump into a new relationship while the wounds are still fresh. That’s a terrible idea, and you are only asking for trouble. Not to mention the wasted time!! Take time to let yourself hurt. There is a period of anger that comes after being cheated on. At the very least, you need to be able to forgive the person that cheated on you, and release the anger before you think about a new relationship. This may take some time. Everyone deals with anger and pain differently. This is one of those times when you need to know, or get to know, yourself. I can’t say this enough. Work on you and who you are, and everything else will be easier to deal with.

Remind yourself that the actions of others are almost always out of your control. Relationships can bring amazing rewards, but great rewards often require great risk. Giving your heart and soul to someone that you have little to no control over is the ultimate risk. It isn’t your fault when someone cheats on you. (This isn’t to say that you can’t find things that you could have done better and grow from them! The end of any relationship should be a time for personal growth.) Ultimately, that person decided to step outside of the relationship commitment that was made to you. Everyone has faults, and dealing with and working on each other’s faults is part of a relationship. Trials are never a reason for infidelity. If they were unable or unwilling to stay committed due to trial, then they should have had the respect and care to leave. There is no excuse for infidelity. It’s the act of someone to cowardly to face the truth and be honest about their thoughts and feelings. THAT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Once you find someone and start a new relationship, you should know that it’s likely that you are going to have those feelings of distrust. There will be things that will remind you of how you felt. They may be situations or simply poorly chosen words. Remember that this new person is not the old one. Fight against those feelings. Don’t react emotionally when they come up. Stop yourself and think about whether your feelings are really justified, or if you are reacting based on the past. Communication is very important. You should be open and honest with your new partner about how you feel and your concerns. Someone that cares for you and is going to protect your feeling and your relationship is going to be open and honest with you. Don’t be accusing, but rather express concerns. Talk about how you feel not what they did or didn’t do. Accusations will never get you as far with a man as a plea for help. Men love to fix things and be the hero. A man that cares for you will want to be the man that saved you from the hurt. It’s in our nature. Accuse a man, and he will feel the need to defend himself. That puts you and him on opposite sides facing each other rather than on the same side with him standing in front against a common enemy. Protecting you makes a man feel strong and important. We all need this and he will correlate the feelings of importance and power to you. THAT’S GOOD!

Remember, you will never find the reward of a truly great relationship until you are ready and willing to risk it all again. I have experienced great personal hurt from infidelity. I still believe that it’s worth being hurt 100 times if it means that you find that one real love. It’s the big reward. If I told you that you will win 100 million in the lottery, but only if you play and lose every week for 10 year, would you? Of course you would! The gain is worth so much more than the loss. Relationships are the same. You have to be ready to lose again and again if you are going to win big.