Autophobia: The Fear of Being Alone

It seems that I continually run into women that seem to have been stricken with a condition that causes them to be completely unable to be single. First of all, I get it. I really do. It’s nice to have someone. People are simply built for companionship. We aren’t lone wolves. This isn’t a bad thing!!

Autophobia becomes a problem when it starts to affect your judgment and the way you act when dealing with the opposite sex. I have and will continue to say to women “be alone!” It’s one of the most empowering and liberating things that you can do as a woman. If you can learn to be comfortable and confident as a single woman, then you’re going to have MUCH more success and a MUCH easier time with men.
When you aren’t certain of who you are and what you like, then you won’t be able to decide what you expect and/or require from the opposite sex. This is a real slippery slope. I have a friend that is a text book case of autophobia. She is a real city girl. Very much into high heals and Cosmos, a real Sex in The City type. She met a man from the country. He is a real hunter/fisher type. Sparks flew and they got into a relationship that lasted for about 4 years. During the four years, as is inevitable in a long relationship, she experienced new things with him. This was especially true for these two because of their differing backgrounds. They did as people do, and naturally adapted themselves somewhat to the relationship that they were in. They introduced each other to new things, and they did those things together. Some of those may have been things she wouldn’t have done on her own. Not a problem. Then, the relationship ended. Being a classic sufferer of autophobia, she jumped into a fresh relationship before the other one was cold.
This is where we see the problem with never really being alone manifested itself. Now she’s the girl that likes Jimmy Choos, but now owns hiking boots and a fishing pole. She bought them so she and the last guy could do the outdoors thing. She liked it, because they could spend time together, even though it was definitely not her thing before him. The new man in her life is a sports nut, but not really into the outdoors. She thinks she can get into football in order to share some time with her new Beau, but she’s not certain. After all, she seems to remember not liking it before. On top of that, it always seemed so brutish.
So, which is it? Who are you?? Do you really like hiking, or was the enjoyment you got from that caused by spending time with the man you loved? Was the well dressed city girl really you, or was that just your thing at the time? After all, you really didn’t mind the boots. They were warmer and A LOT less expensive. You didn’t even have to worry about breaking a heal! It’s all very hard to see from the inside of a new relationship.

Time alone is so important to a woman’s sense of identity. Of course it is for men too, but it’s doubly important for the ladies to make an effort to take the time to assess where you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going. Women tend to be more compromising and naturally nurturing of their partner’s needs. This makes them more susceptible of adapting who they are, and trying new things for their partners.
Every relationship adds to our experience and changes us in small ways. This is part of maturing and is important to finding our ultimate identity. However, we go too far with this in the heat of the moment. In the midst of the relationship, we can’t see the forest for the trees sometimes. Taking the time to be alone and process these experiences helps us realize what we have learned. You have to ask yourself “Who am I?” Was I really going over board with the $500 shoes, or is that something that really makes me happy? Do I really like hiking, or was it something I tolerated to spend time with him doing something he likes? Maybe I’m somewhere in between? Maybe I need to find a GQ guy with a nice RV that likes to do luxury camping a few times a year?
I’ve put this in terms of superficial things like clothes and hobbies, but it applies across the board. It applies just as much to the way we talk to each other, the romance level we expect, the way we handle conflicts, SEX, and every other nuance of our relationships.

You cannot truly know what kind of a partner you want and need until you truly know who you are, what you need, and what you truly expect. It’s all about your happiness. I don’t believe in a single soul mate. I think there are many people out there that could make you truly happy. The odds of you finding that person are pretty good, IF you know how to recognize them when they come along. It also helps to be good at telling the ones that are definitely NOT right. It’s definitely important that you aren’t tied up with the wrong one when one of the right ones comes along! Learn to measure yourself up and see yourself clearly, and you will have an accurate gauge by with to measure those around you.

Rule of thumb: One month for every year of relationship. Everyone is different, so consider this a minimum. Try it and see how much more clearly you see things.

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